Wish Upon A Star...

Morning Chicks, 


Just because I have to get this off my chest, my regrets....


I wish I was stronger, I wish I was fearless, I wish I was less dependent on others emotionally, and my husband in particular. 


I wish I could not feel dead inside sometimes, I wish I could not be cold to my husband, who I love more than anything.... I wish I could cut out this part of me that cuts myself off from people when I get too close, when I start to finally be truly happy. 


I wish I didn't do self-destructive things to try to ruin my happiness. I wish I knew how to be normal, I wish I knew how to be happy without being scared. 


I wish I had the ambition other people seem to have for a fancy education, a high paying job, a career. I wish I wanted more out of life than to just be happy. I wish the people around me understood that all I want out of life is to be happy. I wish the people around me understood me better. 


I wish that I was smarter, that my learning abilities weren't stunted by childhood abuse, that I could understand better, faster, more.


I wish that I didn't desperately want and need security, that I could jump feet first into life. That I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not care about consequences....


I wish I had a family, I wish I was normal like everyone else. I wish to never ever be normal.


I wish I wasn't naive, or shy or afraid to speak up, or speak out.


I wish I was a tomboy, I wish I was more of a Femme, I wish I looked more normal. I wish I looked less normal. I Wish I had more piercings, I wish I had more tattoos.


 I wish I had less piercings and less tattoos... I wish I could cover my body in tattoos so people would look at them, and not me.


I Wish Bi people could find more acceptance within the LGBT community, I wish I was more in the LGBT community. I wish I knew how to ease into the gay community in a way that would make my husband comfortable... 


I wish I knew how to make this crazy journey into being Bi, I wish I knew what the outcome of all this was. I wish I could just put myself out there and figure things out, and live my life.


I wish I had a mom. I wish she wasn't crazy, I wish she was in my life. I wish my dad was alive, I wish I had known him, I wish I had known what happened in his life. I wish I had a big, normal family, not a fractured, crazy one.....


I wish I wasn't afraid of me, of who I am, and who I could and will become....


I wish I was fearless.....
~ALICE