I'm a bit blue today. Or green, I'm not really sure which.
I recently talked to this girl I used to have a crush on, and she was taking the trouble to go on and on about her perfect new girlfriend.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she has someone finally. Everyone deserves to be happy. But I think I am feeling a little of the green-eyed monster.
Am I feeling so twitchy about the whole thing b/c she was the catalyst for me realizing I like girls? So it makes the whole thing a bit more complicated anyways.
Maybe it's b/c she was going on about how perfect she is, and how she's the hottest girl she's ever gotten, and how she has a perfect body. I think I got punched in my self esteem a bit, especially since I have body image issues.
I know that I by no means have a perfect body, even though my husband tells me I am the hottest girl he's ever seen. I always feel like he has to say that b/c he married to me. I realized that I am not even remotely ugly. But I feel average most days...
But thanks to my asshole second boyfriend ever who when I broke up with him, said he wanted a girlfriend who was beautiful, not average looking like me, and someone who was skinny. Ouch right? I know that I am not fat by any means, I do have curves, and am actually at a healthy weight for being 5'6 1/2. And I recently lost 18 lbs so I should have a ton of confidence right? If only...
I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous, but I feel like she was a bit. And I actually was a bit jealous. Now when I think rationally about it, I think I was more jealous of her getting to experience being with a girl. Which a lot of the time, I feel pretty hopeless that it will happen for me.
There is nothing about her that I even remotely like now, to be honest. She's a manipulator and she tried to break up my marriage. Granted I'm partly to blame too b/c I didn't put a stop to it, b/c I figured I had it under control and wouldn't listen to the people around me.
She still maintains that she did nothing wrong, and plays the game of not understanding why I won't be in her life. She says she's over me, and doesn't care anymore, and I feel so relieved at that. But kind of pissed to, that she pulled my life apart on a whim, b/c she decided she wanted me, and now she's moved on. And I'm left trying to figure out how to fix my life.
I shouldn't even be talking to her, I realize that. Sometimes I just can't help myself though.
My hubby today knew I was feeling down, but I couldn't figure out why. I just have that weepy everything sucks feeling. I probably need to go back to my shrink I guess. I hate going though, I feel like therapy is for weak people who can't cope. Usually I just hold my feelings in until I explode and have a meltdown, healthy right?
Still, the bad days make me want to hop back in the closet, as everything seems hopeless and stuck.....
Le Sigh, Chickettes, Le Sigh.....