Anyone ever feel disconnected from their life sometimes? I feel that way sometimes. A lot of the time I feel so cut off from normalcy. Is that normal?
Be warned, this post may not make much sense....
A lot of the time when I feel disconnected is when I see or read about a lesbian couple.
This is how i feel then....
I feel like that puppy in the pet store window, nose pressed against the glass, watching everything interesting go by. But I can't get to it.
What in the hell does this mean?! Am I scared to admit that there's a part of me that wants to experience having a lesbian relationship. I don't know!
I do know that I love my husband more than it seems possible, so much that it hurts sometimes. I can't and don't want to ever imagine my life without him.
So what's wrong with me?
Is it the whole people want what they can't have syndrome? The grass is always greener on the other side? I don't think that's it. I think I wish I had had this life experience that I now feel cut off from, so I would feel no uncertainty now.
Sometimes I wish we had waited to get married, if for nothing else than i would have more of a sense of myself. I would be more comfortable in my own skin, not be so dependent on him. I wish I had had more time to explore,to figure out me and my life.
But most of all, I wish I had taken a breather from my sex life, and taken the time to truly explore what and who I liked before I entered into another relationship. I wish I hadn't been too scared to look @ all my options and choices. I shouldn't have let my religious upbringing have such an effect on me.
I don't know that that wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know that it would have.
I should have been more fearless....