A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Friday, September 23, 2011

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hola Chicks! 

Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the Day! 
Jessie J! I'm even more excited b/c she is Bisexual. It's so good to see a Bisexual woman in the media who makes me proud to be bi!

Her calm and self assured acceptance of who she is and what she stands for makes me hope. That Bisexuality will be accepted more. Questioned less, scorned and sneered at less.

Thank you Jessie J!

She's hot too! Like smokin' hot! :p

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Femmeboy? Femmish? Wtf?

Hiya Chicks!

Here comes another post about being Femme! I've been thinking a lot about what makes me Femme, and what defines me as Femme as opposed to straight girls who are feminine. 

Is Femme a state of being, or a state of mind?
What exactly makes me Femme? Why do I identify as Femme? 

To me, I think liking women is what seperates me as a femme as opposed to a feminine  straight woman.

Maybe I'm wrong. I have no idea. :p

Why does it even matter what my label is? Why are people so obsessed with figuring out what category they belong in?

Is it because some people the LGBT community aren't sure who they are in the beginning? When they finally figure it out they're happy to know where they fit?


Is anyone ever just one thing though? 

Most of the time I feel like I am femme. I love my heels and pretty dresses, I always straighten my hair and wear makeup. I don't wear any eye-shadow or lipstick or anything fancy, does that still make me Femme?

I tend to wear a lot of ripped jeans and rocker tees though too. I usually go back and forth between tomboyish and femmeish. So what does that make me?  A tomboy Femme? 

Urgg. There's too many labels, and classifications, and sub-classifications!

It's enough to make me crazy! I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I guess in a way it does matter to me. 

As I try to figure out myself and my sexuality,  I can see how having a label to identify yourself can help. I read somewhere online that someone said labels don't have to be labels, they are simply identifiers. 

I like that.

So maybe I should stop looking at it as a label, and see it as a identifier.

Hi, my name is Alice and I am a Bi tomboy femme?....

Hmm, that's a mouthful :p


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Bonjour Chicks!
Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the day!

Katherine Moennig! Am I the only one that is reduced to a caveman when I see this? Only capable of drooling and grunts? YUM :p

Monday, September 19, 2011

Back In The Closet Again...

Guten Morgen Chicks!
Today is a serious day. It looks like I am headed back into the closet.
It's not really something I want to do. At all. But it seems like it's going to have to be done out of necessity.

I'm pretty upset about it actually. Don't let the exclamation points fool you.
I have a family member moving back in with my husband and I.

Someone who is going through a hard time in their life, and needs their family right now. I actually don't even mind the whole moving back in part at all. That doesn't bother me in the least. 

The part that bothers me is where I have to once again hide my sexuality. That bothers me. A lot. My husband says it won't matter, I can tell this person. It won't make a difference at all.

I don't know though. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I think it probably won't make a difference. I'm think I'm just feeling insecure because I don't really want to share this part of me with anyone else yet.

My husband knows,and two of my family members. And a couple of friends. But other than that, I am not out yet to anyone at my work. Or anywhere else.

So there really isn't a whole lot of places besides my home right now that I can truly just let loose and be me. Being in my home I can finallllly comment on the smokin' hot girl I saw that day to my hubby. Or I can openly drool over an online profile or article with, again a hot girl. :p

Or I could even be talking to my husband about the whole girls thing. We talk about it a lot, trying to figure out how to fit this into our life. Trying to figure out how to go forward in a way that won't hurt either one of us or anyone else.

We have been making a lot of progress. I think. I feel like we were working out a way for me to have my experience in a way that would be ok for us both.

And now I feel like I've been shut down. I'm not mad. Not at all. Just sad I guess. I feel like I was so close.

Now it's back to the closet.

For now anyways. At least until I get the courage maybe to be brave and come out to another person. 


What would you do Chicks??


Friday, September 16, 2011

Virgin Lesbian?...

Hola Chicks!

So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.

A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?

It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin. 

Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows. 

But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that. 

But I need to know.

And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.

Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask. 

We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to  think?

Should I be trying to include him in some way? 

If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.

I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.

But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.

Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.

But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.

So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run. 

But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be  unhappy.

I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.

But not completely happy. And I always promised  myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Soo Not Into Porn! (kind of)

Meowww Chickitas!!
So something I've been thinking about is porn. Ha. I am just a person who is not into porn at all. kind of. Ok, let me try to explain. Man on woman porn just doesn't do it for me. At all. Like really at all. It actually kind of turned me off. To be honest. Woman on woman does the same thing.

Is that weird? 

It seems like women are raised in society to think that if a woman has a problem with her significant other watching porn, then she is a prude, a bitch, and just plain damm uncool.
I have to admit, I used to hate porn and I would usually get into a huge fight with my husband whenever I caught him looking at it. 
The fact is that porn made me feel like he was thinking about that whenever we had sex, and not me. I was pretty insecure about myself and my body.

Then one day, I don't know what really happened honestly...

I just kind of got over it I guess. I think it was that one day I saw a porno online that was actually kind of sexy... :p

My main thing about not liking porn is that sooo much of it looks fake and, well, like porn. Seeing as it it fake, I don't really know what I am wanting when I watch it? I think for me it kind of bothers me that there isn't really any, connection, I guess? Between the man/woman, woman/woman.

Ok, stay with me through this bit of sappiness!

It used to be really hard for me to have sex with someone without having feelings for them or being in love with them. I know, commence the eye rolling.
Blame it on insecurity, whatever, but I always felt like I needed to have a connection with someone in order to have sex with them.

Now I don't really feel that way. Well, to clarify, I think it's b/c I'm more confidant in myself and my sexuality. I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with some random chick. If and when I do have a experience with a woman, it will be with my husbands blessing. That's a topic for another time though!

Anyways, I came across a man/woman porno one day a couple of months ago, and it was actually a real turn on. I actually always detested man/women porn. A lot. Like this much:
I realized i liked it b/c the people in it were acting like a couple, it seems like they actually gave a shit about each other and weren't just fucking. I think that's what it was, it wasn't that there was tenderness. It was that it wasn't cold and clinical, and soooo impersonal.

I've read girl on girl porn books, and that actually got me horny to the point of insanity... Maybe it's just that im more imaginative than visual? Even regular man on woman gets me off more when I read it as opposed to watching it...
I've been trying to find a girl on girl porno to watch that turns me on, but it hasn't happened. I'm really into tattooed girl on girl action, but i can't seem to find anything that isn't two girls who look like they're faking it, and in a badddd way. Or it's two normal looking chicks wearing goth clothes, but they couldn't look less like they belong in them.

They're like Abercombie looking type bitches.

I don't need some sappy love scene type shit. I just want a good girl on girl porn that isn't super fake and clinical and cold looking...

Where can I find this?!
Not this, it makes me wanna rip my eyes out...
What's a girl to do?

Anyone have a good recommendation for me?


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Morning Chicks!!

Here's your hot girl fix of the day!!!
Pauley Perrette!! Yum!

Monday, September 12, 2011

That Green eyed monster called Jealousy....

Morning Chickettes!
I'm a bit blue today. Or green, I'm not really sure which.

I recently talked to this girl I used to have a crush on, and she was taking the trouble to go on and on about her perfect new girlfriend. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she has someone finally. Everyone deserves to be happy. But I think I am feeling a little of the green-eyed monster.

Am I feeling so twitchy about the whole thing b/c she was the catalyst for me realizing I like girls? So it makes the whole thing a bit more complicated anyways. 

Maybe it's b/c she was going on about how perfect she is, and how she's the hottest girl she's ever gotten, and how she has a perfect body. I think I got punched in my self esteem a bit, especially since I have body image issues.

I know that I by no means have a perfect body, even though my husband tells me I am the hottest girl he's ever seen. I always feel like he has to say that b/c he married to me. I realized that I am not even remotely ugly. But I feel average most days...

But thanks to my asshole second boyfriend ever who when I broke up with him, said he wanted a girlfriend who was beautiful, not average looking like me, and someone who was skinny. Ouch right? I know that I am not fat by any means, I do have curves, and am actually at a healthy weight for being 5'6 1/2. And I recently lost 18 lbs so I should have a ton of confidence right? If only...

I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous, but I feel like she was a bit. And I actually was a bit jealous. Now when I think rationally about it, I think I was more jealous of her getting to experience being with a girl. Which a lot of the time, I feel pretty hopeless  that it will happen for me.

There is nothing about her that I even remotely like now, to be honest. She's a manipulator and she tried to break up my marriage. Granted I'm partly to blame too b/c I didn't put a stop to it, b/c I figured I had it under control and wouldn't listen to the people around me.

She still maintains that she did nothing wrong, and plays the game of not understanding why I won't be in her life. She says she's over me, and doesn't care anymore, and I feel so relieved at that. But kind of pissed to, that she pulled my life apart on a whim, b/c she decided she wanted me, and now she's moved on. And I'm left trying to figure out how to fix my life.

I shouldn't even be talking to her, I realize that. Sometimes I just can't help myself though.

My hubby today knew I was feeling down, but I couldn't figure out why. I just have that weepy everything sucks feeling. I probably need to go back to my shrink I guess. I hate going though, I feel like therapy is for weak people who can't cope. Usually I just hold my feelings in until I explode and have a meltdown, healthy right?

Still, the bad days make me want to hop back in the closet, as everything seems hopeless and stuck.....

Le Sigh, Chickettes, Le Sigh.....


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Wish Upon A Star...

Morning Chicks, 

Just because I have to get this off my chest, my regrets....

I wish I was stronger, I wish I was fearless, I wish I was less dependent on others emotionally, and my husband in particular. 

I wish I could not feel dead inside sometimes, I wish I could not be cold to my husband, who I love more than anything.... I wish I could cut out this part of me that cuts myself off from people when I get too close, when I start to finally be truly happy. 

I wish I didn't do self-destructive things to try to ruin my happiness. I wish I knew how to be normal, I wish I knew how to be happy without being scared. 

I wish I had the ambition other people seem to have for a fancy education, a high paying job, a career. I wish I wanted more out of life than to just be happy. I wish the people around me understood that all I want out of life is to be happy. I wish the people around me understood me better. 

I wish that I was smarter, that my learning abilities weren't stunted by childhood abuse, that I could understand better, faster, more.

I wish that I didn't desperately want and need security, that I could jump feet first into life. That I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not care about consequences....

I wish I had a family, I wish I was normal like everyone else. I wish to never ever be normal.

I wish I wasn't naive, or shy or afraid to speak up, or speak out.

I wish I was a tomboy, I wish I was more of a Femme, I wish I looked more normal. I wish I looked less normal. I Wish I had more piercings, I wish I had more tattoos.

 I wish I had less piercings and less tattoos... I wish I could cover my body in tattoos so people would look at them, and not me.

I Wish Bi people could find more acceptance within the LGBT community, I wish I was more in the LGBT community. I wish I knew how to ease into the gay community in a way that would make my husband comfortable... 

I wish I knew how to make this crazy journey into being Bi, I wish I knew what the outcome of all this was. I wish I could just put myself out there and figure things out, and live my life.

I wish I had a mom. I wish she wasn't crazy, I wish she was in my life. I wish my dad was alive, I wish I had known him, I wish I had known what happened in his life. I wish I had a big, normal family, not a fractured, crazy one.....

I wish I wasn't afraid of me, of who I am, and who I could and will become....

I wish I was fearless.....

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hi Chickies!!

Here's your hot girl fix of the day!!! Ivan Coyote!!! No more words are needed, let's all just drool.....

Oh the things I want to do to her that I don't even know how to do...... 


Lesbian Couple Lives Through Hell For Buying Home

Lesbian Couple Lives Through Hell For Buying Home

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

'hey hon, you're gay....'

Hey there Chickies!

Wouldn't life be so much easier if there was someone in your life who was incredibly nice and just one day said to you, 

"hey, you know you're gay right? And it's ok...."

LE SIGH.....

If only life was that simple and easy. We could just avoid all the confusion, hurt, and general craziness. All the questions, questioning, and jumbled up feelings would go away.

Kinda like shock therapy. I know for sure that I am one of the most stubborn people I know, sometimes to the point of stupidity. 

I hate being told what to do, and sometimes in your life, a person needs someone to shake the shit out of them so you can wake up and see reality.

You know how when someone comes out whenever that is, everyone around them isn't surprised or even shocked? Most of the time anyways, that  is. 

Seems like it would just be easier for that person if someone just took them aside and said, 'hon, you're gay..'. Or 'you're not, gay, you go both ways, and that's ok...'

Theoretically anyways. I know that everyone has to come out in there own way and time. When they are ready. It's just for me personally, I wish I had that person to tell me it will be ok whatever I turn out to be....

I just wish I knew what I was, that my own fears would stop holding me back....

Whose that Doggie in the Window?

Hola Chickies!!!

Anyone ever feel disconnected from their life sometimes? I feel that way sometimes. A lot of the time I feel so cut off from normalcy. Is that normal?

Be warned, this post may not make much sense....

A lot of the time when I feel disconnected is when I see or read about a lesbian couple.

This is how i feel then....
I feel like that puppy in the pet store window, nose pressed against the glass, watching everything interesting go by. But I can't get to it. 

What in the hell does this mean?! Am I scared to admit that there's a part of me that wants to experience having a lesbian relationship. I don't know!

I do know that I love my husband more than it seems possible, so much that it hurts sometimes. I can't and don't want to ever imagine my life without him. 

So what's wrong with me?

Is it the whole people want what they can't have syndrome? The grass is always greener on the other side? I don't think that's it. I think I wish I had had this life experience that I now feel cut off from, so I would feel no uncertainty now.

Sometimes I wish we had waited to get married, if for nothing else than i would have more of a sense of myself. I would be more comfortable in my own skin, not be so dependent on him. I wish I had had more time to explore,to figure out me and my life. 

But most of all, I wish I had taken a breather from my sex life, and taken the time to truly explore what and who I liked before I entered into another relationship. I wish I hadn't been too scared to look @ all my options and choices. I shouldn't have let my religious upbringing have such an effect on me. 

I don't know that that wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know that it would have.

I should have been more fearless....

Monday, September 5, 2011

Going Down Down Down......

Hi Chickies,

So Im a bit bummed right now....

I'm feeling like this whole being Bi and being married thing can't possibly work. When you have person after person tell you you're wrong, and foolish, it kinda gets you down.

Like wayyyy down.... 
Am I foolish? Am I just as naive and stupid as people are telling me?

Can it ever work?

Should I just accept that I'll always feel split in two, with one side of me fulfilled, and the other not?

Will I always feel like this?


This Just In- Im Seeing Lesbians Everywhere!!

Hi Chickies! Guess what?! I have sensory overload....
I'm Seeing Lesbians EVERYWHERE!! I think.....

Yeah, so pretty much since my eyes have been opened to my um, fondness for the fairer sex, :p, I'm seeing lesbians everywhere!

Hot lesbians, Butch lesbians (YUM!), boi lesbians, omg all the girls!!!  Ergo, I have sensory overload. It's like that whole thing where you never see yellow cars until someone points one out, then you see them all over!

So yeah, I feel like my brain is gonna explode a lil bit whenever I go out anywhere now. When before I would just stare at the cute femme looking girl with her tomboyish friend/girlfriend whatever, I couldn't look away, I was fascinated. And I wasn't really sure why. 

(Ok, to be fair, I think I knew, I was just not ready to
go there).

Seriously, guys, I am a reject. When it comes to girls, and even some guys, I am that girl that turns red and starts stuttering when when I see someone I'm attracted to. 

Total spaz.

I was seeing lots of cute girls yesterday too. goth chicks, tomboyish chicks, femmes, butches, oi the girls! I needed a panty change!!

At the mall yesterday with the hubbs, it was slightly embarrassing. Like, I almost needed to wipe the drool away embarrassing. On the upside now, it's fun to girl watch with the hubby now...

Yellow cars, OI. That is my life theses days........

Am I really seeing lesbians everywhere or is it just wishful thinking stemming from long suppressed hormones? ~ALICE

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Bi-Femme= BiFucked!

Hey Chickies!!
Today is mash-up day!
So today I want to talk about a little something i call BiFemme...

See to me, I am a BiFemme. And I've come to the realization that being a BiFemme means Im pretty much fucked. And not in a good way. :p

A BiFemme is a Bisexual woman who is also a femme. Sounds interesting right? Well, it does make things a bit complicated as im married. 

See, I've read a lot about Femme invisibility in the LGBT community. It seems like a lot of Femmes feel like they are invisible b/c they lesbians aren't immediately able to identify them as gay. So for a lot of Femme women, it's hard to meet other women, let alone be recognized as gay.

Seeing as I am a Femme, and Bisexual, sometimes it seems hopeless.

I've read so many posts on Femme invisibility that it seems doubly against me that I am a BiFemme. Not only will I not be recognized as part of the LGBT community, I am Femme so I definitely won't be recognized. Sometimes it seems hopeless but I have to persevere until I figure things out...

Are there any other BiFemmes out there? And do they feel as hopeless as I do sometimes? ~ALICE

Is Bi the gateway sexuality?

What up peeps!! So today I've been thinking a lot about how it seems that many, many people seem to think that Bi is the gateway sexuality to being gay. Since discovering that I myself, am in fact, Bisexual, I've been obsessed with researching it more online and finding out everything i can.... I'm a geek like that.

 Big time. 

So it seems like a lot of people think that if someone comes out as bi, they are either in the closet, or are just confuses, or in the case of girls, doing it for attention from men.

Let me just say, I am not Bisexual to get attention from men. I am not, to my knowledge, secretly in the closet. I have my doubts about being Bi vs. a lesbian, but that's a topic for another time. Right now I know I am Bisexual.

I guess i just feel frustrated that Bisexuality doesn't seems like it's accepted in the LGBT community, or really any community. at the least it seems like its sneered at, or laughed at, or questioned.

Why Why Why?

I guess its the same as being questioned about being a lesbian by people who don't believe it, I just don't understand why people within the LGBT community don't seem to be more open minded.  Since the whole LGBT community is about acceptance and helping each other out, I guess Im just confused at to why there isn't more understanding? 

Not to be contradictory, 
I have seen a lot of stories online about lesbians who have either had relationships or gotten involved with bisexual women, only to have their heart's broken.

 While I feel sooo badly for those women, I don't think that all Bisexuals should be treated like they are going to do the same thing.

Is it just that people are trying to explain away something they don't understand?? ~ALICE