A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Thursday, May 31, 2012

a little piece of my heart...

Hey chicks! 

what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read.  I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.

I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles  that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.

Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time. 

I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.

It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a  secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it  my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.

If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one. 

Am I gay? 

I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD

I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart? 

Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...

I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress. 

Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!

It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...

Emotional cheating.

I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.

Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Open Relationship vs.Cheating?

Hiya Chicks!
I know, it's been awhile. I missed you! Life's been crazy!

Effing Dykes posted a great article a few weeks ago about open relationships. Check it out here

It's funny because the husband and I have started to talk about having an open relationship a little bit. Nothing really concrete yet. Just considering the possibility.

He hasn't really come right out and said that he's open to doing this. We've danced vaguely around the issue a bit.

I think I'm afraid he'll say no. We  both have to be willing to start this. If one person isn't 100% with the situation, then the whole thing will just explode in our faces. If he's not ok with it, that's kinda that. 

Which sucks.

Is that skeevey? I know's it's most guys fantasy to see two girls get it on. But I don't know how ok I am with being watched. 

Actually I am not ok with someone watching me have sex. Even my husband. Sex is a very personal thing for me.

I guess I'm a little wary because it seems like open relationships never work. Someone always ends up getting hurt in the long run.

Unless both people are willing to take the time and consideration needed to find a way that works for them. It doesn't sound like it's just an easy, go sleep with anyone you want way. Even though most people think that.

I think having an open relationship is only possible if you have a completely trusting, healthy relationship.If the two people involved can trust each other person 100%.

Do we trust each other completely? I'm not sure. We've hurt and been hurt by each other, and have issues still. This could end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. I don't want that. 

The jealousy factor alone probably kills a lot of relationships. The fact is, there will probably be jealously on both parts as both people adjust to this new element.

So why bother at all you ask? Because I love my husband and want to keep my marriage together. I recognize the fact that I have a side to me that needs sexual contact with a girl as much as if not more than, a man.

I don't want to just hold it all in and stuff it down till I explode and end up cheating. I don't want to cheat. At all. But I don't want to suppress this side of me either, until I go crazy. That's not good for my marriage either.

Then you get into the whole cheating factor. Is it cheating if both parties know about it, and are ok with it? Even though you're married?
On the other hand, who says I can't have an open marriage? Society? Fuck that! Why do I need to have my marriage defined by anyone else? 

I don't.

As for being a lesbian, that's a whole other can of worms. Yes, I am afraid that finally sleeping with a woman could make me realize I'm gay.

Maybe that's why I'm trying to have a go at the whole open relationship thing. So I can figure some things out before more time passes.

Or because I just want to finally know and this is my way of pushing myself towards that...