what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read. I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.
I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.
Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time.
I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.
It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.
I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.
If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one.
Am I gay?
I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD
I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart?
Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...
I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress.
Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!
It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...
I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.
Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!