A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Rage

http://www.freebeautyconsultant.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Aromatherapy-and-Anger.jpg
Evening Chicks!


I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to even speak coherently, let along write an entire blog.


I'm having a bit of a problem with rage lately. And not just the normal, supremely angry kind. The red haze kind.


You see, I met my half sister on Saturday. It was amazing actually. After finding out about her two years ago, I've wondered and wondered. She's great, younger than me by a couple of years. It's a bit strange to suddenly have a younger sister after 20+ years.


But Yay! Family!


But the things I found out about my mother have had me in this horrible state of mind. It truly amazes me how one person can literally destroy so many people's lives.


My mother kept me and my sisters from my father and his family because she decided that if she couldn't have him, he couldn't have us. That makes me angry. 


And upset. And angry.


She abused us for most of our lives, and I lived in fear for my life, and that of my sisters. 


I just found out that my father fought for many, many years to get custody of my sisters and I. Again, more anger. 


But I know that under the anger, is a hurt so big and deep that it will swallow me whole if I'm not careful.


The thing is though, the anger fades and the hurt settles in. It was easier to just say my whole life 'fuck him, he didn't want me, his loss'. It still hurt, a lot, but it was bearable and livable as I got older. 


But to find out that he spent so many years trying to get custody of us, and my mother blocked him at every turn. My dad even took my mother to court to get joint custody of us, and she blocked him again. 


I had a family member who was in law enforcement, so that person helped my mother keep him away from us.


The worst part is that my mother lied in court and said my father was abusing us. It's not true, I know that for a fact. 


Actually, I have to almost admire my mother. Her evil brilliance is scary. She picked the most horrific thing that a father could do that would be the most surefire way to keep him away from us and out of our lives.


I know that most people ask why she would ever do that to her children, and the man she was married to. Because she's crazy. Not kooky crazy, sick, evil crazy.


She really is the most convincing actress I've ever come across. If I hadn't had my sisters live through it with me, I might believe her. That I'm just a bad, out of control kid who just wants to hurt her. 


What kind of a mother makes up something so horrific and just plain cruel? A monster, that's who. Most people wouldn't believe it, my own family doesn't even believe us about the abuse we lived through.


But why would I make up the fact that my sisters and I were beaten, starved and tortured emotionally by her for years?


What do I have to gain from that?


Nothing. In fact, insisting on the truth has cost me my family. For the past five years I've been shunned, and hurt emotionally by my family. Because they are so taken in by my mother's charade. 


It's so convincing too, that I almost don't blame them. Almost. But there is never any excuse to leave a child in an abusive situation. EVER.


My father gave up trying to get us because he thought that we wouldn't want him in our lives after all the horrible things my mother said about him.


He died thinking his daughter's hated him. 


That's what hurts the most. I never got a chance to get to know him, or even meet him. Because of her. Because she was so angry she couldn't have him that she wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.


And she did. She also caused an argument between my father and his brother so that they never spoke again. See my family holds grudges, and my dad never spoke to his brother again. My uncle didn't even know my dad was sick or that he died. 


I can't believe that one woman could single- handedly hurt so many people's lives. 


It just, it hurts so bad. More than I ever thought possible. Knowing that he wanted us, it tears that hole in my heart wide open. 


It had finally closed up after years of hurting. Not it's wide open, and ten times worse than before. I don't know how to just let it go, move on. 


It hurts so much. No one should have to feel this kind of pain...


~ALICE

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Family Ties

http://uncommonpromise.com/UserFiles/Image/r1-5x7-Family-Ties.jpg


Hi Chicks! It's definitely been a while, huh?


Life has been crazy, that's for sure. Work is insane, but it's retail at Christmas. No surprise there.


After the whole baby scare, I needed a bit of a break, some time to come back from that.


But once again, things are ever changing. 


My half sister wants to meet me and my other sister and the members of our dad's family.


I am excited, but also very nervous. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really describe....
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I am glad that she wants to meet everyone. It will be good for her. She never knew my dad's side of the family, our dad always kept her away from them.


I guess he had his reasons for that, not that I'll ever know seeing as he passed away 5 years ago.


One of the things that haunts me is that I don't even know where my own father is buried. Neither does his brother. How awful must that be to not know were your sibling is buried? Or where your father is buried? 


I've heard so many stories that it's hard to try and figure out the truth of what really happened. I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it kind of does.


To me.


How does one even bring that up when you are meeting your little sister for the first time? 'Hi, how are you, by the way, where's our dad buried?'


Awkward.


We've talked a few times, it never really seems like a good time to bring it up. The poor kid is slightly traumatized by the whole thing.


My dad had cancer and he wanted to die at home. Apparently he was paralyzed and couldn't move or do antything. I can't even deal with hearing about it.


I feel so badly that she had to go through all that. 


But at the same time I am still a little bit resentful that she got to have our dad in her life. I never even met my father, he chose to not stick around for reasons I may never know.


I know that that's not fair to her. I genuinely don't want to feel this way about my little sister. I'm supposed to be there for her, protect her. I don't want to feel this way.
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But I can't help it. My shrink says that it's normal, but I don't want to feel this way. Family is important to me. Especially after the way mine has treated me.


I really want nothing more than to have a sister relationship with her. She really wants to get to know me and my other 2 sisters. Have us in her life.
http://images.asadart.com/sources/org/childreninc/images/products/gss075.jpg
I feel like it's up to me to some extent b/c one of my sisters lives in another state. The other one doesn't really want anything to do with my dad's family.


Which I can understand, we went our whole life without our dad's family. It's her decision, and I respect that.


It's just hard to think what my life could have been like with my father in it...


Pointless, but hard.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And the clock keeps ticking...

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Oh Chicks,


Why does life explode in an instant?


Life was settling down, now it's worse than ever. I'm going into a downward spiral, and my heart feels broken. 


Literally. 


I can't stop leaking tears out of my damn face. It's my own fault. That's the bitch of it. I am a fucking idiot and that's the truth.


So, if you want the whole story, here we go chicks....


The hubby and I had date night last night. I had been bored and unhappy for a few days, my crazy work schedule, and not seeing my husband didn't help it any.


So we decided to have a date night, get all dressed up and go to dinner. It was actually just what I needed. I'm pretty simple, it doesn't really take a lot to make me happy.


I spend all day happily being all Femme-y, picking out my dress and heels and actually going all out on my makeup. Which I never do, b/c I have sucky abilities when it comes to fancy makeup.


I'm super pale, and it works with my eyes, so I usually go pretty simple. Plus my husband likes when I have a more natural look anyways. He tells me I'm beautiful the most when I'm not wearing any makeup.


Anyways, dinner with a double vodka cranberry was the start of the evening. That was a bad idea, for one, seeing as I'm a one drink max kind of girl. I don't drink at all really, so I have no tolerance, and since recently losing 21 lbs, I have no tolerance at all. 


Dinner was followed by shots at home, again, I was drunk by the time we left, so I had very poor judgement. Which isn't any excuse, but I was in the mood to cut loose for once...


Anyways, to skip all the gory details, dinner was followed by frisky car fun, (don't judge, it was a first for me!) and then completely not safe, not careful sex the rest of the night. 


I'm not on BC b/c I have really bad reactions every time. It got to the point where the husb. said screw it, b/c he was tired of seeing me sick from all the bad reactions I was having. So for 3+ years we have been sort of careful.


And it's been fine.  We had just started being smarter lately, actually using protection. Which we haven't done since pretty much the first month we were together. 


I know that sounds whore-y, but I'll have to post the story of how we met, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds. 


We've had one for two slip up's, but not ever to where I got pregnant. 


Now I'm scared I could be. Terrified actually. 


My shrink always says that he's thankful that I don't have kids, it would just complicate things. And I agree with him. I don't particularly like kids, but I love babies.


I know that when it's my kid, I would love him/her, but I never really saw myself as having them. Maybe as a distant possibility in the future. 


The husb. and I are forever laughing about how if we had kids we couldn't just pick up and go like we do all the time. I always saw us as the kid-less couple who wasn't tied down. But now that there's a def possibility, I want this baby. If there is one.


One or two oops-es I could see being ok with, but not multiple slip-ups. I did get the plan B pill, and the husb. says it's my decision whether or not to take it. He says he would be happy though if we had a baby, or not.


Having to make this choice terrifies me. There's a part of me that realizes that if we were really so against it, we wouldn't have let this happen. 


You can always have a kid, but you can't un-have a kid. I don't know that I could have an abortion and ever look my husb. mother in the face again. She would be devastated if she ever found out.


I know that my husb. is ready if it does happen, he is 33, but I'm only 23. Which is still really young to have a kid.


Is this how women end up with kids, who realize later in life they're gay? I never wanted to have kids until I was more sure of my sexuality. 


That's part of the problem too. I don't want to have to explain to little susie that mommy is leaving daddy b/c she likes the ladies more than daddy.


I know that I am probably just making myself unnecessarily upset. The responsible thing to do would be to take the pill. The irresponsible thing would be to wait and see what happens.


There's so many things to consider. BIL is still getting back on his feet, financially, we aren't in the best spot, but we could make it work. We wanted to sell our house and move out of the city before we even thought about kids.


I'm still not sure of my sexuality, and bringing a child into the mix would probably be a bad idea. When I'm so unsure. 


I have so many family things I still need to work through. I don't talk to my mother, she's not in my life. How can I keep my baby from her grandmother though? Even if it's for her own good? When that's what my mother did to me and I lost my whole childhood of not knowing my father and his family?


The few people I've talked to say I have too much going on right now, but it's obvious I want this. I'm the only one that can make this decision though.


I have 3 days to take the pill, 3 days to decide the rest of my life. 


Every time I go to take it though, something stops me. My heart literally hurts, in a way I never thought was possible. I know that I am freaking out over something that could very well be not even a possibility.


But taking that possibility away is hurts more than I ever thought it would. It could be b/c it's the holidays and I've been depressed anyways b/c of all the family shit. 


I know that I would be better off waiting till I was in a better place, emotionally, financially, and everything else.


But.


3 days to decide my life sucks. I'm a fucking idiot. A terrified, heartbroken idiot. It's times like these when I could really use a mom...
~ALICE

Monday, November 14, 2011

Not Sick, Just Crazy...

http://images.cryhavok.org/d/4141-2/Doctor+Visit+by+redandjonny.jpg
Hi Chickees!!


So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.


I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.


Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.


I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.
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My doc went on to lecture me that I'm not doing anything to combat my stress level, and ignoring it isn't working. blaah blah blaaah. :p


My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation' 


It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better. 
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People who haven't been in a situation like that don't really understand, and it's useless to have pity.


Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.


He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.
http://www.onemoremilerunning.com/images/uploads/therapy_mag.jpg
So I did go back to therapy. Sooo not happy, I'm still feeling very vulnerable,and it's been 3 days. 


Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.
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Which is annoying to me. I hide behind a hard, can't hurt me shell. These days though I feel like my shell is gone. Everything seems to be affecting me, and I don't know if it's b/c I'm physically run down? I can't really seem to be unaffected these days. 


That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.


I almost cried in therapy. 
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It was horrifying. I don't cry hardly ever.I didn't even cry at my wedding. Which I know is just me stifling my emotions. But I can't cry. Being beaten so the person doing it can see you cry, kind of hindered my ability to do so.


The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p 


Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.


WHAT. THE. FUCK.


My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.


I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_E-TlPhY303M/TDUWdJjPwGI/AAAAAAAACNw/-VLY0AmkShM/s1600/cap.jpg
It's like finally opening up about the things that hurt me have opened me up, and now I can't close it off again. Which is probably why I have such bad anxiety. 


Apparently.


I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess. 


I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.


I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...


I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me... 
~ALICE

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Sweat that Shit Out...

http://howtogrowtaller101.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/grow-taller-Exercises.jpg

What it be Chickadees?

Lately I've been having some health problems. Which is scary. Especially when you don't know why. I've been having these funky stomach aches for about the past month.


Which kind of sucks. A lot. 


I also have an unhealthy, irrational fear of doctors. Big time.
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I finally went to a doctor and after doing a lot of tests they still don't know what's wrong with me. 




The doctor thinks that it is probably stress, but he has to test for other stuff in the meantime. 

Which, stress? Really? That's kind of the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

But...
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I have been pretty stressed lately. I work in retail, and it's the holiday, so the craziness is on. I do stock and pricing as well as assist my manager as I'm the lead on my team. 


I also have had to deal with losing the long time manager of my departments I take care of. I was promoted from my dept. to my position now, so I have worked with this manager for almost 3 1/2 yrs now. 


Gaining two new managers, one of which I knew and worked with, and who had worked under me wasn't the worst thing. 
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Until I had the rug pulled out from under me again.

The new manager got promoted, so now I have two brand new managers of my depts, both who know nothing about the areas. Which couldn't have come at a worst time, retail wise.

My husband thinks that my stomach aches are just from me not eating at work. Most of the time I don't eat at all, or not much. I recently lost about 21 lbs, so I do have different eating habits now..... 
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I no longer do this 24/7...

I literally spend all day at work now doing 50 things at once, and going at supersonic speed. I have a lot of people that depend on me for help, and a huge workload these days. 

Pretty much every day now I have this huge knot in the pit of my stomach, from worrying about how to get everything done.
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I realize that I am overworked, really overworked. I could ask for help, but every time I do, it seems to backfire.

 It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but most times I have to go back through and either re-do, fix, or double check. 

So I would just rather work harder, and faster. Which I realize is sort of crazy. :D
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But when my rate of pay is directly affected by my work completion percentages, of course I want to do it myself. 

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. It's one of the few things I do well, and can take genuine pride in.
http://www.steveseay.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Perfectionism.jpg
But anyways, all through the summer, when work was pretty dead, I would come home and work out. Yoga, Jillian Michaels workouts(I know, don't judge!), and walks with my pups and husband. 

Things are crazy at work, and I also am on a new work schedule, where basically I'm getting up in the middle of the night. When I get out of work I have to sleep, and try to fit in laundry and cleaning too. And see my husband for about 2 hrs a day, seeing as he works late and I work early.
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So my workouts have fallen by the wayside. But I have been doing a lot more heavy lifting, more so than usual. My job does have a lot of heavy lifting involved, but a crazy amount in the holiday season. So I am getting a workout, just a different kind.

So it's possible that it could be stress, but I feel like that's kind of lame, to be honest. 

Who get's stomach aches from being stressed out? I feel like should be stronger than that. I am stronger than that.

I did get back to my regular workouts, but it just wasn't doing it for some reason. The usual feeling of calm and relaxation wasn't there anymore.
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So I took up running again after four years. My knee problems forced me to stop, but they have been better lately. 

It does seem to be working, even though it's only been a couple of days. Even though I am the most awkward runner ever, and the thought of people seeing me run makes me hyperventilate.  


I think I just need something more strenuous to keep me calm?

I don't know. I'm sorry, but I have survived starvation, beatings, and emotional and mental abuse. Stressed-induced stomach aches? That's kind of LAME....
~ALICE


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

These Lesbian Sides of Me...

http://www.ideachampions.com/heart/Bleeding_heart_by_Moonbeam13.jpg
Hola Chicks!The husband and I actually had a really good, honest heart to heart the other night.
I was able to be completely honest and say for once that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay.


For once too, instead of brushing or laughing the subject off, as we are prone to do, we took it seriously. I was able to overcome my crippling terror and talk clearly for once.


I told him that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay. But that I don't know really, and am not in a place to even think about that. 


It's true. I have come a long way to accepting myself and my sexuality. I still have a long way to go though, and I am not in a place to even think about if I could be gay or not. 


Plus being married to a man also complicates things too. My husband is a great guy, and I do love him, so deeply it scares me sometimes. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my love, my best friend. 


The thing is, I can picture being with a woman. Having sex with one, sleeping with one. Even having a relationship with one if I wasn't married. 


But I can't imagine my life without my husband in it. I can fantasize forever about all the things with a woman, but I can't picture my life without him. It just seems inconceivable to me. 
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I'm not really sure what that means...?


Could it be fear? I wish I knew. Or was brave enough to face that.


He said to me that if it did turn out I was gay, he could see us still being friends. But then he asked me to please not break his heart like that b/c he wouldn't be able to bear it. 
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Which made my heart hurt. A lot. I love this man. But I have this side of me that isn't complete?, that needs to be fulfilled with a woman.


More confusion....
~ALICE

Monday, October 24, 2011

Becoming Me...

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Hi Chickees!


 Life has just been crazy. In a good, but also weird way. 


My brother in law moved back in with my husband and I. It's a good thing, don't worry chicks. 
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Life definitely is starting to feel good again these days.Less confused, more serene. Which for me is a beautiful thing.  My family is back together, my husband isn't worrying about his brother anymore.


Other than a few adjustments with us all living together again, a couple of fights, things are good. Which feels rare. Especially with all the confusion I've been having about my sexuality.



I hate conflict in my personal life. I can't seem to really face it ever. When it happens, I just shut down, stop thinking, feeling, and barely breathing most of the time. 


It drives my husband crazy. I become this cold, robot who just stops functioning at the first sign of a fight. It's self protection, I can't stop it, or help it. Years of abuse from my mother made me retreat inside myself. That was the only safe place I had, physically, and emotionally. 


I am working on it, and I am lucky to have someone who loves me enough to break through the shell I become and pull me out before I fall too deep into that hole.



I think I'm starting to finally feel like myself these days. All the craziness with BIL (brother in law!) moving in kind of kept me from obsessing about my sexuality, and stressing about how to make it fit in my life. For now anyways. ;p


I am def. feeling calmer about the whole thing these days. It's a part of me, but I guess I am realizing that I don't really need to stress about it so much.


I think I am feeling more relaxed about it since I feel more like myself these days. I'm not really limiting or editing anything I say in front of BIL. Maybe I should, but it's my house too! 


I edit and hide myself all day at work, if I wanna say a girl is hot in my house, dammit I will! :p


So, for now, things are calm. The husband and I are getting along, work is crazy, big surprise, and I started my Alice tattoo sleeve!! All in all, not bad :)


~ALICE