A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Hiya Chicks!

I need a break from M. To be honest, it hurt to think about her. I'm still not over the whole mess. 

Anyways, here's a fun little story. 

 'Loose lips sink ships.'? Sound familiar? Yeah. 

The last few months I've been dieting and exercising pretty hard. I tell people who comment that I've gotten skinnier that I'm just trying to be healthier. 

That's partly true.

 I've  been trying to sweat out that little voice in the back of my head. 
The one that pops up at the worst moments,and whispers 'You're gay, stop being a little bitch and get on with ruining his life already'. It's not working.

As my body shrinks more and more, the voice gets louder. The voice is a bitch. She knows my worst insecurities. She always screams them at me. Loudly. 

The husband and I went to a local food tasting event in our city. I've always been a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Never done it much so I have no tolerance. Apparently the husband thought it would be a good idea for me to chug a mikes hard as we were leaving. *FAIL* 

As I staggered my way back to the car, that was wayyy far away, somehow the topic of girls came up. I think I suggested we go to the strip club? Somehow or another, it got shut down and I got sad. Really sad, about to cry sad.

I guess he realized I looked sad and wanted to know what was going on. My brain was screaming, 'IM GAY!' on repeat. Alcohol talking? Maybe, maybe not. 

I slurred out that I'm really not straight and I didn't know how the whole thing was gonna work out. 

Yes I did. I know. 

To be fair, him pressuring me to tell him didn't help the situation. Whenever I don't want to talk he freaks. As always it came back around to him thinking I'm going to leave him in a few years. No matter how much I reassure him I'm not going anywhere, it always comes up when we fight.

He thinks I'm going to leave him b/c I'm gay. Does he know something I don't? Deep down, is he admitting to himself something that I'm not ready to yet?

Somehow, I'm not sure how,it was decided that my introduction to girls would be via a lap dance  at a strip club.

Ok. *facepalm* Now while I'm not one to turn down a hot girl grinding on me, a. What if there's no hot girl strippers?!? b. um, yeah I can't get past a.

I like to look at femme girls, I wouldn't say no to one grinding on me. But what are the chances of there being a hot tattooed, femm-y stripper? I didn't really want my first girl on girl experience to be a lap dance either.

On the other side of the spectrum, while I like to look at femmes, what really turns me on is butches/tomboys. That's what gets me going. The husband only wants to see me have any type of interaction with a femme. Probably he thinks a butch/tomboy will steal me away. 

I go weak in the knees for Butches in a very obvious way I can't hide. Butches turn me on in a way that nothing else ever has. He doesn't want me doing anything with a butch b/c it feels like I'm just replacing him. I think.

 A lap dance seems so cold and clinical. I guess Im looking for whenever something happens to be more personal. Not like I'm paying them to be interested...

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Saga of M

Hi Chicks!
Thought I share the Saga of M (my lady catalyst), and how I told my husband I liked women.  Just to warn you, this will prolly be a two-parter...

My Husband's company got bought out, and because of that, he was pretty depressed and drinking heavily. He's worked 6 days a week, 60+ hrs since he was 15/16 years old. So for the past 15+ years, he has worked pretty much every day. Needless to say, to suddenly be unemployed was pretty unsettling.

At that time, I realized he had a drinking problem. He had always drank a lot ever since I knew him, but it always seemed to be under control. 

I know, I know, don't say it.. 

So I started going to therapy. I didn't know how to help him, or how to deal with his drinking. I would come home from work to find him drunk. This was a daily occurrence and didn't help our marriage any. I'm not a big drinker, so I was one unhappy wife.

 This girl at work had approached me one day, introduced herself and we got to talking about music and books. Apparently she had seen me around and thought I was cute. She had found out I was married, and thought that was ridiculous. I started to feel some attraction to her as I got to know her.  

Ahh, my lady catalyst M. If only I knew the shitstorm that was about to land.... 

Suddenly everything in my life started to make a scary sort of sense, and it was making me flip out. I always had this weird reaction to women. I never seemed to have a normal indifference? if you will, that most girls have towards each other.

Needless to say, a depressed alcoholic husband and me with a very big secret led things to spin out of control. My husband and I drifted father apart/started hating each other. While M and I got closer in the meantime. 

It didn't help that M encouraged my secret. She knew just the right nerve to pick at. She kept telling me that my husband would divorce me if he knew that I liked women. That he wouldn't understand, would stop loving me. She was brilliant. She knew just what insecurities to play on. I was in such a screwed up, confused state of mind, that I had no idea which was way up, and which was down. I had no one else in my life to talk to about this.

I was alone. And terrified. 

Meanwhile M had decided that I shouldn't be married anymore. She was in love with me. She made it her mission to break up my marriage. She was the perfect consoling, comforting friend. All the while worming her way deeper and deeper into my heart without me really realizing it.

Yes I said it. Into my heart. Somewhere along the line, I thought I had started to fall for her. She was my lady catalyst. The first girl that made me have strong enough feelings to recognize that I liked women. And that it was ok. 

I didn't know how the whole thing was going to end, but I finally felt like myself for the first time in... Ever.

She kept telling me that she knew I was in love with her too, I just wasn't ready to admit it. She got me so twisted up, I couldn't think straight. Ha. :D Or coherently. 

For the first time in my life I was attracted to someone who a. wasn't my husband, and b. was a woman. Attracted in a way that I had never before experienced. It was like my body woke up, and went, HEY! this is what we've always wanted!

Men seemed repulsive to me at that point. I had always been secretly not so much into sex with men. I barely found them attractive, and I had just kind of put up with sex. 

 My sexual experience up until this point had been 3 men.  2 really if you don't count your first time, b/c really who does? That crap about it being magical? Bullshit. I hadn't been with anyone who really rocked my world. Until my husband. I figured that maybe I just didn't really like sex.

When I look back now, I can't believe how stupid I was. All I saw was this lonely, depressed girl who needed a friend. I had been that girl. I had been in that place before, and I wanted to save her. I needed a friend too right then. My husband saw right through her somehow. From the start he knew that she was trying to take me away from him. 

I didn't. Or I thought I had the situation under control. I'm still not sure. She was always talking about how she wanted to die, and I got sucked in. I wanted to save her from that place. I fought my way out of it back in high school, and I wanted to help her do the same. She saw that and used it to manipulate me.

 I was an idiot. You would think after living with a batshit crazy, manipulative mother all my life, I would recognize the signs of a psycho. She even told me she could manipulate anyone! I figured after living through it though, I would be able to see the signs. 

I guess I never really thought that she would be selfish enough to try to wreck my life. Just so she could get her way. I actually thought she loved me. I guess in her mind,she thought she did? Or maybe I was just a game to her. Maybe I'm just naive. Or inexperienced. I don't know.

Sometimes I think what happened to my life? How did I end up here? How did I go from being happily married and trying to have a family, to here? Confused, frustrated and longing for something that seems like an impossibility at times.

I never thought things would get as bad as they did. I guess I trusted the wrong person. I never thought I'd wake up in someone's bed one morning, having no idea what happened after blacking out, wearing clothes that weren't mine...

To Be Cont'd...