I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to even speak coherently, let along write an entire blog.
I'm having a bit of a problem with rage lately. And not just the normal, supremely angry kind. The red haze kind.
You see, I met my half sister on Saturday. It was amazing actually. After finding out about her two years ago, I've wondered and wondered. She's great, younger than me by a couple of years. It's a bit strange to suddenly have a younger sister after 20+ years.
But Yay! Family!
But the things I found out about my mother have had me in this horrible state of mind. It truly amazes me how one person can literally destroy so many people's lives.
My mother kept me and my sisters from my father and his family because she decided that if she couldn't have him, he couldn't have us. That makes me angry.
And upset. And angry.
She abused us for most of our lives, and I lived in fear for my life, and that of my sisters.
I just found out that my father fought for many, many years to get custody of my sisters and I. Again, more anger.
But I know that under the anger, is a hurt so big and deep that it will swallow me whole if I'm not careful.
The thing is though, the anger fades and the hurt settles in. It was easier to just say my whole life 'fuck him, he didn't want me, his loss'. It still hurt, a lot, but it was bearable and livable as I got older.
But to find out that he spent so many years trying to get custody of us, and my mother blocked him at every turn. My dad even took my mother to court to get joint custody of us, and she blocked him again.
I had a family member who was in law enforcement, so that person helped my mother keep him away from us.
The worst part is that my mother lied in court and said my father was abusing us. It's not true, I know that for a fact.
Actually, I have to almost admire my mother. Her evil brilliance is scary. She picked the most horrific thing that a father could do that would be the most surefire way to keep him away from us and out of our lives.
I know that most people ask why she would ever do that to her children, and the man she was married to. Because she's crazy. Not kooky crazy, sick, evil crazy.
She really is the most convincing actress I've ever come across. If I hadn't had my sisters live through it with me, I might believe her. That I'm just a bad, out of control kid who just wants to hurt her.
What kind of a mother makes up something so horrific and just plain cruel? A monster, that's who. Most people wouldn't believe it, my own family doesn't even believe us about the abuse we lived through.
But why would I make up the fact that my sisters and I were beaten, starved and tortured emotionally by her for years?
What do I have to gain from that?
Nothing. In fact, insisting on the truth has cost me my family. For the past five years I've been shunned, and hurt emotionally by my family. Because they are so taken in by my mother's charade.
It's so convincing too, that I almost don't blame them. Almost. But there is never any excuse to leave a child in an abusive situation. EVER.
My father gave up trying to get us because he thought that we wouldn't want him in our lives after all the horrible things my mother said about him.
He died thinking his daughter's hated him.
That's what hurts the most. I never got a chance to get to know him, or even meet him. Because of her. Because she was so angry she couldn't have him that she wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.
And she did. She also caused an argument between my father and his brother so that they never spoke again. See my family holds grudges, and my dad never spoke to his brother again. My uncle didn't even know my dad was sick or that he died.
I can't believe that one woman could single- handedly hurt so many people's lives.
It just, it hurts so bad. More than I ever thought possible. Knowing that he wanted us, it tears that hole in my heart wide open.
It had finally closed up after years of hurting. Not it's wide open, and ten times worse than before. I don't know how to just let it go, move on.
It hurts so much. No one should have to feel this kind of pain...