A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Monday, October 24, 2011

Becoming Me...

Hi Chickees!

 Life has just been crazy. In a good, but also weird way. 

My brother in law moved back in with my husband and I. It's a good thing, don't worry chicks. 

Life definitely is starting to feel good again these days.Less confused, more serene. Which for me is a beautiful thing.  My family is back together, my husband isn't worrying about his brother anymore.

Other than a few adjustments with us all living together again, a couple of fights, things are good. Which feels rare. Especially with all the confusion I've been having about my sexuality.

I hate conflict in my personal life. I can't seem to really face it ever. When it happens, I just shut down, stop thinking, feeling, and barely breathing most of the time. 

It drives my husband crazy. I become this cold, robot who just stops functioning at the first sign of a fight. It's self protection, I can't stop it, or help it. Years of abuse from my mother made me retreat inside myself. That was the only safe place I had, physically, and emotionally. 

I am working on it, and I am lucky to have someone who loves me enough to break through the shell I become and pull me out before I fall too deep into that hole.

I think I'm starting to finally feel like myself these days. All the craziness with BIL (brother in law!) moving in kind of kept me from obsessing about my sexuality, and stressing about how to make it fit in my life. For now anyways. ;p

I am def. feeling calmer about the whole thing these days. It's a part of me, but I guess I am realizing that I don't really need to stress about it so much.

I think I am feeling more relaxed about it since I feel more like myself these days. I'm not really limiting or editing anything I say in front of BIL. Maybe I should, but it's my house too! 

I edit and hide myself all day at work, if I wanna say a girl is hot in my house, dammit I will! :p

So, for now, things are calm. The husband and I are getting along, work is crazy, big surprise, and I started my Alice tattoo sleeve!! All in all, not bad :)


Sunday, October 9, 2011

These Urges of Mine...

What it be Chickadees?
So I'm having a problem with urges lately. A BIG problem. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I can't have some sort of sexual encounter with a woman. 

Which brings up a few problems. Oh, Let me count the many ways this is creating problems for me...

Well, I just so happen to be married to a man for one. He's still adjusting to the idea of me having sex with a woman. He says he's o.k. with it as long as it doesn't affect our relationship.

I know, I know. There's so many hidden messages, and potentially fucked up situation that could arise from that situation.

But I can't seem to get it out of my head lately. Or my genitals :p 

It's like it's the forbidden fruit. Someone's holding it out to me and telling me not to do it. 

I don't want to hurt my husband, or ruin my marriage. 

I don't know what to do....

Suddenly, I can relate to all the young teenagers who hit puberty. I feel like my hormones are out of control lately. 

I have read a lot about how when people who thought their sexuality was one thing their whole life. Then when it changes, their hormones rage out of control.

I guess it's because you suddenly discover something sexually about yourself you never knew?

What do you think chicks?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

War of My Worlds...

Barev Chicks!
Lately I've been Feeling like I'm split in two.

On the one hand, I have this side to me,  girly, cleaning the house, making dinner for my husband, being a great wife, and overall just happy, centered, kind of vanilla girl.

Which I love. I do love that side of me. There's a part of me that craves normalcy, stability, a quiet happy life. A life that's calm, b/c I've never had that.

Then there's the other side to me. The tomboy who's tattooed, pierced, young and a little bit wild. I want to go out, party, have fun, be 23, be young, experience life, experience women! That side of me I love too b/c it's who I am also.
I am the normal, stable, vanilla girl. But I am also the tattooed, pierced, wild girl I crave a lot but never got to be.

I think that's why I have so many piercings and my tattoo obsession continues with each one I get.

I feel like the sides are competing most of the time. A lot of the time, I do feel like I do an o.k. job of balancing them. Not great, but o.k. It's a learning as I go process.

But lately, it seems as if the sides are competing more and more. I feel less like I can integrate them, make them work for me. I never used to feel like I needed to choose to be more one than the other. I could be both, and it worked for me.

Lately it's not working so well. At all. I feel like I'm two people, and not in a good way.

I think it's because the husband is becoming resistant to me getting involved in LGBT events, which leads me to believe he's not as cool with the whole situation as he says he is.

He says if I'm going to start living that 'lifestyle' than what's the point of even being together. I don't think it's so much about living the 'lifestyle' for me as just having a group of women I can talk to, relate to. It's not to pick someone up.

Plus I think he's secretly afraid that I'll realize I'm a lesbian and leave him. Which I can't say will happen, but I can't say it won't. I just don't know.

 I wish there was a guide book for this whole thing. 
I've read Dear John, I love Jane, and was able to relate to a lot of the book in an almost scary way. I feel like I could have written a lot of it. 

What does that mean???