A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Fake It Till You Make It...

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...

I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...

I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female. 

Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p

I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent. 

I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.

When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p

I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..

To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.

I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.

I am sexually attracted to my husband.

But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled. 
How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men? 

I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him? 

It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.

It's weird I know...
My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.
I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history. 

I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much. 

Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.
I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.

Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.

But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now? 

I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???

Other than me of course...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Hola Chicks!

Tonight I went back to therapy. A lot of shit has been going down and I finally decided to get back on that horse. :p

Life's gotten so complicated and I can't even begin to sort out the stuff about my sexuality with everything else going on.

My therapist seems to think that b/c I feel guilty about all the abuse I've had in my life, that that's what's keeping me in a relationship that may not be right for me. 

He thinks that because I've never had anything good or normal, that I may be staying in my relationship b/c of that. Because I want to be a good, upstanding person. 

 To be someone who can actually maintain a healthy relationship. I honestly don't know if he's right about that. I know that I don't want to just give up on something that may have it's flaws. But could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

He also asked me if I wasn't with my husband, would I be dating a man or a woman? If we took him out of the picture completely, if I had never met him, would I be with a guy or a girl?  I said I know that without a doubt, I would be with a woman.

He thinks that means I'm gay. I don't think I am gay, and said so. But I start to wonder sometimes, is it just a knee-jerk reaction b/c I'm so terrified of hurting my husband? Or because I'm too scared to go there?
The iffy part of that is that I didn't realize till after I was married that I liked women. If I hadn't gotten married would I ever have realized it? 

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

I felt like I was able to be o.k. with exploring myself b/c I finally felt safe and secure. I was loved and I loved someone and I finally felt like I could be me, that it would be ok.

I wonder sometimes if I got married so fast because I maybe started to have an inkling about liking women. Did it terrify me that much that I did the most surefire thing to make it impossible to ever explore that anytime soon?
I don't know. Or I feel like I do know but am too scared to go there right now.

We talked about my sex life ugg :p. I am more sexually attracted to women than men. What does that mean?! I am sexually attracted to my husband, but other than him, I'm not really attracted to men too much in general. The majority of my sexual attraction is to women.

Lots of questions, and confusion, that's for sure.....

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Woman and The Wind

The Woman and The Wind

We dance and for a second she forgets and feels free.
I see the beauty in her, breathe
before a rooted thought of wrong doing enters
and she kneels down,
blindly searching for the chain to shackle herself
back into the cage.
For she loves the ones who created the walls
and she hasn’t the strength to break those down,
not when it means destroying all she knows.
I watch her sit there and hum so sweetly,
changing tears to a tune,
distracting herself with so many other things
which fills her time and her space,
but there’s no stopping the racing of a heart,
it’s a magic science, a crazy chemistry,
which bolts thunder claps from the brain to the belly,
that moves the body quicker than lightning.
And the mind blinded,
cannot keep up with the heart of the body.
Her body moves with another of the same form,
like an ocean with the shore, over and over,
it soothes as it moves.
The light is followed with a BANG!
The cell door clatters open and slams shut with a bewildered wind,
as she remembers that all she feels is not allowed
and retreats out of a cherished love for those who fail to understand.
The wind does not strike her;
it is not angry, but gentle and warm.
It cradles her when she’s sad
and lifts her high when she’s feeling blue,
it does not control her with fear,
but with comfort and love.
It tickles her and makes her smile,
all the time misunderstanding the black shape,
which moves on the floor.
The wind wishes to blow it away,
using bigger and bigger puffs,
and afterwards is left exhausted.
The black mark is unfathomable to the wind.
”It’s still there, that dirty black mark
which follows you around.
Why can’t you leave her be?” It howls.
And she cries out with a muted voice,
which echoes the temples of distant lands.
“It is a part of me!”
The wind howls again, anguished and sad,
blowing the words spoken away,
unable to hear them through distortions of pain.
It picks itself up for another gust and another,
“Why won’t it leave? The place will look so much cleaner
without that black mark which keeps following you around.”
It blows unrelenting,
like a house proud mother
wiping at a stubborn wooden tabletop stain,
unknowing that it is a knot, a natural pattern of the wood.
“Please, let it be. It is a part of me.”
whispers the wood and the woman.
The wind slowly stops dancing and becomes heavy,
which sinks her radiant smile and twinkling star eyes
to black holes.
I see the blindness of the wind, blowing at the black mark,
with more gust and enthusiasm,
seeing improvement and progress,
as the mark moves away, by the power the wind possesses,
or so it thinks.
Ony the wind does not realize,
that it is her beloved that blows into a ball,
over and over, tied in knots, until she cannot breathe.
The wind does not see the position she is in.
It does not see the vases knocked over
and smashed to smithereens,
like salt bubbles that explode from her eyes
when she loses control and snivel sniff cries,
“I don’t want to be so sensitive to this,
but it scares me so much to be cold
and unaffected by it all.
When I think of homophobia,
I think of bullies spitting comments in a crowd
or on a street,
of hate crimes and terrible things like these.
I never in my wildest dreams
thought it could be like this.”
Flowers lay unnoticed on the broken glass ground,
trodden on by all those others who don’t look down.
(and jeez, there are many, too many for there to be more)
Hold up ~
For all the guns in the world,
that ends a life with less than a thought,
could we not shoot each other a smile from time to time
and try,
just try to get along, it is after all only love.
The rest doesn’t really matter,
it is only love that connects us all,
that gets us through~
Thank you, now back to the poem…
As the wind blows unstoppable at her shadow,
wishing for it to not be there,
she stands up strong and bold
through the blinding, deafening gale.
She does not move an inch by the gust,
as her hair, wild like flames lick up to heaven, around her.
The heart does not choose who it races, falls or breaks for,
nor does the arms of love choose who it chases, catches or crushes.
When eyes connect, they speak languages unknown,
never spoken before
from the beginning of time to now,
so much is said and expressed without a word uttered,
and it unfolds in another reality in the flash of a second.
The feeling ignited, may blaze, or it may smoulder,
but it can never be forgotten.
She stands through the gale, lifts her head high
and says, “My shadow exists because I have found light,
for it to disappear I shall live in darkness,
and like the bird set free from its cage,
it cannot return, once it knows what it has learnt.”
The thing which she needs now more than ever,
is not shelter from the wind,
but for the wind to blow down the walls
it has created over time,
and hold her in acceptance,
for no one knows more than the wind,
how wonderful and important it is
to be free from all these things,
to feel free to dance peacefully.
Sent in by: Anonymous
Age: 29
Location: San Francisco

 Found this online, so beautiful......