So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.
A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?
It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin.
Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows.
But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that.
But I need to know.
And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.
Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask.
We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to think?
Should I be trying to include him in some way?
If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.
I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.
But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.
Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.
But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.
So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run.
But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be unhappy.
I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.
But not completely happy. And I always promised myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...