A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

These Lesbian Sides of Me...

Hola Chicks!The husband and I actually had a really good, honest heart to heart the other night.
I was able to be completely honest and say for once that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay.

For once too, instead of brushing or laughing the subject off, as we are prone to do, we took it seriously. I was able to overcome my crippling terror and talk clearly for once.

I told him that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay. But that I don't know really, and am not in a place to even think about that. 

It's true. I have come a long way to accepting myself and my sexuality. I still have a long way to go though, and I am not in a place to even think about if I could be gay or not. 

Plus being married to a man also complicates things too. My husband is a great guy, and I do love him, so deeply it scares me sometimes. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my love, my best friend. 

The thing is, I can picture being with a woman. Having sex with one, sleeping with one. Even having a relationship with one if I wasn't married. 

But I can't imagine my life without my husband in it. I can fantasize forever about all the things with a woman, but I can't picture my life without him. It just seems inconceivable to me. 
I'm not really sure what that means...?

Could it be fear? I wish I knew. Or was brave enough to face that.

He said to me that if it did turn out I was gay, he could see us still being friends. But then he asked me to please not break his heart like that b/c he wouldn't be able to bear it. 
Which made my heart hurt. A lot. I love this man. But I have this side of me that isn't complete?, that needs to be fulfilled with a woman.

More confusion....


  1. This is a very insightful post and I can 100% relate to it. I am a lesbian and I used to be married to a man. It was very confusing for me and incredibly scary. In a way, i had it a little easier because I was married to a not-so-nice guy. Your husband seems to be very understanding and it's good you two are having heartfelt talks.
    It can be a very confusing thing. I wish you the best.

  2. thanks Anna! If only I didn't love him, I think sometimes. It would make this whole process easier. Too bad life isn't that easy huh? But if I didn't love him, I probably wouldn't have gotten married, and thus mite not be in this situation...

  3. you're definitely not alone. one of my friends married a man, her longtime best friend, when she was 22 and realized that although she loved him, she is gay and could not stay in the marriage. that was five years ago and they remain good friends. she cooks dinner for him and his girlfriend sometimes :)

  4. oh that's so nice to hear mackenzie! it's one of my biggest fears, losing my best friend as well as my husband...

  5. It was so hard for me to grieve the loss of my marriage, especially because my husband is such a great guy. But I realized that our relationship didn't end--it just evolved. We are still the very best of friends and we hang out often. It was really hard for him to lose me too, and hurting him (and the resulting guilt) still stings.

    But snuggling down with my girlfriend at night? Priceless...