So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.
I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.
Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.
I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.
My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation'
It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better.
Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.
He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.
Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.
That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.
I almost cried in therapy.
The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p
Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.
I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.
I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess.
I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.
I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...
I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me...