A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Monday, November 14, 2011

Not Sick, Just Crazy...

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Hi Chickees!!


So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.


I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.


Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.


I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.
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My doc went on to lecture me that I'm not doing anything to combat my stress level, and ignoring it isn't working. blaah blah blaaah. :p


My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation' 


It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better. 
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People who haven't been in a situation like that don't really understand, and it's useless to have pity.


Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.


He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.
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So I did go back to therapy. Sooo not happy, I'm still feeling very vulnerable,and it's been 3 days. 


Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.
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Which is annoying to me. I hide behind a hard, can't hurt me shell. These days though I feel like my shell is gone. Everything seems to be affecting me, and I don't know if it's b/c I'm physically run down? I can't really seem to be unaffected these days. 


That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.


I almost cried in therapy. 
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It was horrifying. I don't cry hardly ever.I didn't even cry at my wedding. Which I know is just me stifling my emotions. But I can't cry. Being beaten so the person doing it can see you cry, kind of hindered my ability to do so.


The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p 


Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.


WHAT. THE. FUCK.


My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.


I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.
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It's like finally opening up about the things that hurt me have opened me up, and now I can't close it off again. Which is probably why I have such bad anxiety. 


Apparently.


I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess. 


I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.


I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...


I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me... 
~ALICE

4 comments:

  1. I just added you to my blogroll! :) I plan on revamping that soon anyways and I will definitely mention you in a blog post when I do .... I'm a procrastinator, so it might be a while, but I promise I will! Lol .... Btw, I only ever add blogs I love love love and you can now count me as an avid reader. Love your style. :)

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  2. thanks sasha! haha im the world's biggest procrastinator too guess you noticed that i love CCL huh? it seriously is a lifesaver for me! glad you like my style, i'm still figuring that out a bit, it's kind of a mish-mash of a bunch of things, kinda like me :p

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  3. sometimes, it is ok to let that wall down and get rid of the shell. i would only say that because i know about it. i am rooting for you, kid. if you figure it out 17 years before me, you are well on your way.

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  4. i hope that one day i can ok with it bridget....

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