A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And the clock keeps ticking...

Oh Chicks,

Why does life explode in an instant?

Life was settling down, now it's worse than ever. I'm going into a downward spiral, and my heart feels broken. 


I can't stop leaking tears out of my damn face. It's my own fault. That's the bitch of it. I am a fucking idiot and that's the truth.

So, if you want the whole story, here we go chicks....

The hubby and I had date night last night. I had been bored and unhappy for a few days, my crazy work schedule, and not seeing my husband didn't help it any.

So we decided to have a date night, get all dressed up and go to dinner. It was actually just what I needed. I'm pretty simple, it doesn't really take a lot to make me happy.

I spend all day happily being all Femme-y, picking out my dress and heels and actually going all out on my makeup. Which I never do, b/c I have sucky abilities when it comes to fancy makeup.

I'm super pale, and it works with my eyes, so I usually go pretty simple. Plus my husband likes when I have a more natural look anyways. He tells me I'm beautiful the most when I'm not wearing any makeup.

Anyways, dinner with a double vodka cranberry was the start of the evening. That was a bad idea, for one, seeing as I'm a one drink max kind of girl. I don't drink at all really, so I have no tolerance, and since recently losing 21 lbs, I have no tolerance at all. 

Dinner was followed by shots at home, again, I was drunk by the time we left, so I had very poor judgement. Which isn't any excuse, but I was in the mood to cut loose for once...

Anyways, to skip all the gory details, dinner was followed by frisky car fun, (don't judge, it was a first for me!) and then completely not safe, not careful sex the rest of the night. 

I'm not on BC b/c I have really bad reactions every time. It got to the point where the husb. said screw it, b/c he was tired of seeing me sick from all the bad reactions I was having. So for 3+ years we have been sort of careful.

And it's been fine.  We had just started being smarter lately, actually using protection. Which we haven't done since pretty much the first month we were together. 

I know that sounds whore-y, but I'll have to post the story of how we met, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds. 

We've had one for two slip up's, but not ever to where I got pregnant. 

Now I'm scared I could be. Terrified actually. 

My shrink always says that he's thankful that I don't have kids, it would just complicate things. And I agree with him. I don't particularly like kids, but I love babies.

I know that when it's my kid, I would love him/her, but I never really saw myself as having them. Maybe as a distant possibility in the future. 

The husb. and I are forever laughing about how if we had kids we couldn't just pick up and go like we do all the time. I always saw us as the kid-less couple who wasn't tied down. But now that there's a def possibility, I want this baby. If there is one.

One or two oops-es I could see being ok with, but not multiple slip-ups. I did get the plan B pill, and the husb. says it's my decision whether or not to take it. He says he would be happy though if we had a baby, or not.

Having to make this choice terrifies me. There's a part of me that realizes that if we were really so against it, we wouldn't have let this happen. 

You can always have a kid, but you can't un-have a kid. I don't know that I could have an abortion and ever look my husb. mother in the face again. She would be devastated if she ever found out.

I know that my husb. is ready if it does happen, he is 33, but I'm only 23. Which is still really young to have a kid.

Is this how women end up with kids, who realize later in life they're gay? I never wanted to have kids until I was more sure of my sexuality. 

That's part of the problem too. I don't want to have to explain to little susie that mommy is leaving daddy b/c she likes the ladies more than daddy.

I know that I am probably just making myself unnecessarily upset. The responsible thing to do would be to take the pill. The irresponsible thing would be to wait and see what happens.

There's so many things to consider. BIL is still getting back on his feet, financially, we aren't in the best spot, but we could make it work. We wanted to sell our house and move out of the city before we even thought about kids.

I'm still not sure of my sexuality, and bringing a child into the mix would probably be a bad idea. When I'm so unsure. 

I have so many family things I still need to work through. I don't talk to my mother, she's not in my life. How can I keep my baby from her grandmother though? Even if it's for her own good? When that's what my mother did to me and I lost my whole childhood of not knowing my father and his family?

The few people I've talked to say I have too much going on right now, but it's obvious I want this. I'm the only one that can make this decision though.

I have 3 days to take the pill, 3 days to decide the rest of my life. 

Every time I go to take it though, something stops me. My heart literally hurts, in a way I never thought was possible. I know that I am freaking out over something that could very well be not even a possibility.

But taking that possibility away is hurts more than I ever thought it would. It could be b/c it's the holidays and I've been depressed anyways b/c of all the family shit. 

I know that I would be better off waiting till I was in a better place, emotionally, financially, and everything else.


3 days to decide my life sucks. I'm a fucking idiot. A terrified, heartbroken idiot. It's times like these when I could really use a mom...


  1. What an intense week, I hope your doing better. I really know what you mean but I think that if it was me I wouldn't have a kid with someone I'm not sure I want to spend the future with and you need to work that out before you guys decide about having kids, just pop a morning after pill and hope for the best (I don't usually advocate taking drugs but in this case it's probably a good thing. I really hope things get better! It's great that you have someone to talk to

  2. yeah after thinking about it i realized that i'm not ready for kids. i did take the morning after pill so i guess we will see. it's the first time in my 23 years i've ever taken the morning after pill, i'm usually pretty careful, so i guess i'm not doing too bad. :p plus i realized i have no right bringing a kid into it when i don't even know myself enough to know my sexuality...