A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Family Ties


Hi Chicks! It's definitely been a while, huh?

Life has been crazy, that's for sure. Work is insane, but it's retail at Christmas. No surprise there.

After the whole baby scare, I needed a bit of a break, some time to come back from that.

But once again, things are ever changing. 

My half sister wants to meet me and my other sister and the members of our dad's family.

I am excited, but also very nervous. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really describe....
I am glad that she wants to meet everyone. It will be good for her. She never knew my dad's side of the family, our dad always kept her away from them.

I guess he had his reasons for that, not that I'll ever know seeing as he passed away 5 years ago.

One of the things that haunts me is that I don't even know where my own father is buried. Neither does his brother. How awful must that be to not know were your sibling is buried? Or where your father is buried? 

I've heard so many stories that it's hard to try and figure out the truth of what really happened. I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it kind of does.

To me.

How does one even bring that up when you are meeting your little sister for the first time? 'Hi, how are you, by the way, where's our dad buried?'


We've talked a few times, it never really seems like a good time to bring it up. The poor kid is slightly traumatized by the whole thing.

My dad had cancer and he wanted to die at home. Apparently he was paralyzed and couldn't move or do antything. I can't even deal with hearing about it.

I feel so badly that she had to go through all that. 

But at the same time I am still a little bit resentful that she got to have our dad in her life. I never even met my father, he chose to not stick around for reasons I may never know.

I know that that's not fair to her. I genuinely don't want to feel this way about my little sister. I'm supposed to be there for her, protect her. I don't want to feel this way.
But I can't help it. My shrink says that it's normal, but I don't want to feel this way. Family is important to me. Especially after the way mine has treated me.

I really want nothing more than to have a sister relationship with her. She really wants to get to know me and my other 2 sisters. Have us in her life.
I feel like it's up to me to some extent b/c one of my sisters lives in another state. The other one doesn't really want anything to do with my dad's family.

Which I can understand, we went our whole life without our dad's family. It's her decision, and I respect that.

It's just hard to think what my life could have been like with my father in it...

Pointless, but hard.


  1. My Wife never knew her father either, he's still alive tho, she has tried to contact him, but he wants nothing to do with her,I believe he was genuinely shocked to discover he had another kid out there in the world and panicked, like you my Wife goes through life with alot of what if's & many unanswered questions. You have to move forward and not dwell on the what could have been's and don't over analyze the situation otherwise it can nearly devastate you and prevent you from continuing on with your life and moving forward.

  2. i try to move forward but sometimes it's hard not to dwell. especially when you find out just how much one person can hurt so many people's lives

  3. I just stumbled across your blog, and I had to stop in and leave you a comment because you sound to me, to be such a strong, capable woman. I am at the same place you are in terms of realizing my sexuality but you are dealing with so much more than I, and at only 23! You are in my thoughts and I wish you courage and resilience and peace with everything you are dealing with. I'll definitely be checking back in, and I'll be rooting for you!