A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And the clock keeps ticking...

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Oh Chicks,


Why does life explode in an instant?


Life was settling down, now it's worse than ever. I'm going into a downward spiral, and my heart feels broken. 


Literally. 


I can't stop leaking tears out of my damn face. It's my own fault. That's the bitch of it. I am a fucking idiot and that's the truth.


So, if you want the whole story, here we go chicks....


The hubby and I had date night last night. I had been bored and unhappy for a few days, my crazy work schedule, and not seeing my husband didn't help it any.


So we decided to have a date night, get all dressed up and go to dinner. It was actually just what I needed. I'm pretty simple, it doesn't really take a lot to make me happy.


I spend all day happily being all Femme-y, picking out my dress and heels and actually going all out on my makeup. Which I never do, b/c I have sucky abilities when it comes to fancy makeup.


I'm super pale, and it works with my eyes, so I usually go pretty simple. Plus my husband likes when I have a more natural look anyways. He tells me I'm beautiful the most when I'm not wearing any makeup.


Anyways, dinner with a double vodka cranberry was the start of the evening. That was a bad idea, for one, seeing as I'm a one drink max kind of girl. I don't drink at all really, so I have no tolerance, and since recently losing 21 lbs, I have no tolerance at all. 


Dinner was followed by shots at home, again, I was drunk by the time we left, so I had very poor judgement. Which isn't any excuse, but I was in the mood to cut loose for once...


Anyways, to skip all the gory details, dinner was followed by frisky car fun, (don't judge, it was a first for me!) and then completely not safe, not careful sex the rest of the night. 


I'm not on BC b/c I have really bad reactions every time. It got to the point where the husb. said screw it, b/c he was tired of seeing me sick from all the bad reactions I was having. So for 3+ years we have been sort of careful.


And it's been fine.  We had just started being smarter lately, actually using protection. Which we haven't done since pretty much the first month we were together. 


I know that sounds whore-y, but I'll have to post the story of how we met, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds. 


We've had one for two slip up's, but not ever to where I got pregnant. 


Now I'm scared I could be. Terrified actually. 


My shrink always says that he's thankful that I don't have kids, it would just complicate things. And I agree with him. I don't particularly like kids, but I love babies.


I know that when it's my kid, I would love him/her, but I never really saw myself as having them. Maybe as a distant possibility in the future. 


The husb. and I are forever laughing about how if we had kids we couldn't just pick up and go like we do all the time. I always saw us as the kid-less couple who wasn't tied down. But now that there's a def possibility, I want this baby. If there is one.


One or two oops-es I could see being ok with, but not multiple slip-ups. I did get the plan B pill, and the husb. says it's my decision whether or not to take it. He says he would be happy though if we had a baby, or not.


Having to make this choice terrifies me. There's a part of me that realizes that if we were really so against it, we wouldn't have let this happen. 


You can always have a kid, but you can't un-have a kid. I don't know that I could have an abortion and ever look my husb. mother in the face again. She would be devastated if she ever found out.


I know that my husb. is ready if it does happen, he is 33, but I'm only 23. Which is still really young to have a kid.


Is this how women end up with kids, who realize later in life they're gay? I never wanted to have kids until I was more sure of my sexuality. 


That's part of the problem too. I don't want to have to explain to little susie that mommy is leaving daddy b/c she likes the ladies more than daddy.


I know that I am probably just making myself unnecessarily upset. The responsible thing to do would be to take the pill. The irresponsible thing would be to wait and see what happens.


There's so many things to consider. BIL is still getting back on his feet, financially, we aren't in the best spot, but we could make it work. We wanted to sell our house and move out of the city before we even thought about kids.


I'm still not sure of my sexuality, and bringing a child into the mix would probably be a bad idea. When I'm so unsure. 


I have so many family things I still need to work through. I don't talk to my mother, she's not in my life. How can I keep my baby from her grandmother though? Even if it's for her own good? When that's what my mother did to me and I lost my whole childhood of not knowing my father and his family?


The few people I've talked to say I have too much going on right now, but it's obvious I want this. I'm the only one that can make this decision though.


I have 3 days to take the pill, 3 days to decide the rest of my life. 


Every time I go to take it though, something stops me. My heart literally hurts, in a way I never thought was possible. I know that I am freaking out over something that could very well be not even a possibility.


But taking that possibility away is hurts more than I ever thought it would. It could be b/c it's the holidays and I've been depressed anyways b/c of all the family shit. 


I know that I would be better off waiting till I was in a better place, emotionally, financially, and everything else.


But.


3 days to decide my life sucks. I'm a fucking idiot. A terrified, heartbroken idiot. It's times like these when I could really use a mom...
~ALICE

Monday, November 14, 2011

Not Sick, Just Crazy...

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Hi Chickees!!


So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.


I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.


Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.


I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.
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My doc went on to lecture me that I'm not doing anything to combat my stress level, and ignoring it isn't working. blaah blah blaaah. :p


My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation' 


It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better. 
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People who haven't been in a situation like that don't really understand, and it's useless to have pity.


Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.


He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.
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So I did go back to therapy. Sooo not happy, I'm still feeling very vulnerable,and it's been 3 days. 


Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.
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Which is annoying to me. I hide behind a hard, can't hurt me shell. These days though I feel like my shell is gone. Everything seems to be affecting me, and I don't know if it's b/c I'm physically run down? I can't really seem to be unaffected these days. 


That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.


I almost cried in therapy. 
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It was horrifying. I don't cry hardly ever.I didn't even cry at my wedding. Which I know is just me stifling my emotions. But I can't cry. Being beaten so the person doing it can see you cry, kind of hindered my ability to do so.


The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p 


Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.


WHAT. THE. FUCK.


My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.


I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.
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It's like finally opening up about the things that hurt me have opened me up, and now I can't close it off again. Which is probably why I have such bad anxiety. 


Apparently.


I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess. 


I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.


I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...


I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me... 
~ALICE

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Sweat that Shit Out...

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What it be Chickadees?

Lately I've been having some health problems. Which is scary. Especially when you don't know why. I've been having these funky stomach aches for about the past month.


Which kind of sucks. A lot. 


I also have an unhealthy, irrational fear of doctors. Big time.
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I finally went to a doctor and after doing a lot of tests they still don't know what's wrong with me. 




The doctor thinks that it is probably stress, but he has to test for other stuff in the meantime. 

Which, stress? Really? That's kind of the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

But...
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I have been pretty stressed lately. I work in retail, and it's the holiday, so the craziness is on. I do stock and pricing as well as assist my manager as I'm the lead on my team. 


I also have had to deal with losing the long time manager of my departments I take care of. I was promoted from my dept. to my position now, so I have worked with this manager for almost 3 1/2 yrs now. 


Gaining two new managers, one of which I knew and worked with, and who had worked under me wasn't the worst thing. 
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Until I had the rug pulled out from under me again.

The new manager got promoted, so now I have two brand new managers of my depts, both who know nothing about the areas. Which couldn't have come at a worst time, retail wise.

My husband thinks that my stomach aches are just from me not eating at work. Most of the time I don't eat at all, or not much. I recently lost about 21 lbs, so I do have different eating habits now..... 
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I no longer do this 24/7...

I literally spend all day at work now doing 50 things at once, and going at supersonic speed. I have a lot of people that depend on me for help, and a huge workload these days. 

Pretty much every day now I have this huge knot in the pit of my stomach, from worrying about how to get everything done.
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I realize that I am overworked, really overworked. I could ask for help, but every time I do, it seems to backfire.

 It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but most times I have to go back through and either re-do, fix, or double check. 

So I would just rather work harder, and faster. Which I realize is sort of crazy. :D
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But when my rate of pay is directly affected by my work completion percentages, of course I want to do it myself. 

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. It's one of the few things I do well, and can take genuine pride in.
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But anyways, all through the summer, when work was pretty dead, I would come home and work out. Yoga, Jillian Michaels workouts(I know, don't judge!), and walks with my pups and husband. 

Things are crazy at work, and I also am on a new work schedule, where basically I'm getting up in the middle of the night. When I get out of work I have to sleep, and try to fit in laundry and cleaning too. And see my husband for about 2 hrs a day, seeing as he works late and I work early.
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So my workouts have fallen by the wayside. But I have been doing a lot more heavy lifting, more so than usual. My job does have a lot of heavy lifting involved, but a crazy amount in the holiday season. So I am getting a workout, just a different kind.

So it's possible that it could be stress, but I feel like that's kind of lame, to be honest. 

Who get's stomach aches from being stressed out? I feel like should be stronger than that. I am stronger than that.

I did get back to my regular workouts, but it just wasn't doing it for some reason. The usual feeling of calm and relaxation wasn't there anymore.
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So I took up running again after four years. My knee problems forced me to stop, but they have been better lately. 

It does seem to be working, even though it's only been a couple of days. Even though I am the most awkward runner ever, and the thought of people seeing me run makes me hyperventilate.  


I think I just need something more strenuous to keep me calm?

I don't know. I'm sorry, but I have survived starvation, beatings, and emotional and mental abuse. Stressed-induced stomach aches? That's kind of LAME....
~ALICE


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

These Lesbian Sides of Me...

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Hola Chicks!The husband and I actually had a really good, honest heart to heart the other night.
I was able to be completely honest and say for once that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay.


For once too, instead of brushing or laughing the subject off, as we are prone to do, we took it seriously. I was able to overcome my crippling terror and talk clearly for once.


I told him that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay. But that I don't know really, and am not in a place to even think about that. 


It's true. I have come a long way to accepting myself and my sexuality. I still have a long way to go though, and I am not in a place to even think about if I could be gay or not. 


Plus being married to a man also complicates things too. My husband is a great guy, and I do love him, so deeply it scares me sometimes. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my love, my best friend. 


The thing is, I can picture being with a woman. Having sex with one, sleeping with one. Even having a relationship with one if I wasn't married. 


But I can't imagine my life without my husband in it. I can fantasize forever about all the things with a woman, but I can't picture my life without him. It just seems inconceivable to me. 
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I'm not really sure what that means...?


Could it be fear? I wish I knew. Or was brave enough to face that.


He said to me that if it did turn out I was gay, he could see us still being friends. But then he asked me to please not break his heart like that b/c he wouldn't be able to bear it. 
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Which made my heart hurt. A lot. I love this man. But I have this side of me that isn't complete?, that needs to be fulfilled with a woman.


More confusion....
~ALICE