A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Fake It Till You Make It...

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I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...


I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...


I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female. 


Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p


I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent. 


I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.


When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p
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I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..


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To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.


I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.


I am sexually attracted to my husband.


But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled. 
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How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men? 


I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him? 


It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.


It's weird I know...
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My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.
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I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history. 


I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much. 


Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.
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I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.


Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.


But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now? 


I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???


Other than me of course...
~ALICE

4 comments:

  1. best bet is to just be yourself, be true to yourself & follow your heart, to hell with what anyone else thinks or says. If it matters any I am Butch by nature,thought,word & deed, it's who I am, I don't Identify as woman,or man, I simply am,I have never been attracted to any one gender, I have dated men, women, trans (both ways) other butches, femmes, everything in between, am I gay? am I queer? I don't know, I'm what ever society calls me, to me I am just me.

    Butch

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  2. Butch, have you always know that you are Butch? something that i struggle with is just not knowing who i am. and being limited in my exploration of myself and my sexuality due to my marriage...

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  3. I would say I had Butch tendencies all my life from childhood to adult,I always thought I was a tom boy, I did what boys/men did, fix cars,build stuff,have an over the top need for power tools lol, yet I used to hide a lot of that when it came to friends and relationships,I struggled with my personal identity for many years,at age 35 I looked in the mirror and said I can't hide anymore,I became my true self, Butch, I stopped hiding who I was and set myself free of my own personal & societal conformities, I'm pushing 45 now and have spent the last 10 years at peace with myself, as popeye would say Iyam what Iyam, I sure hope you find your inner peace, and discover your true self regardless of which label you choose or how you identify.I'm watching and rooting for you :) never give up your search,never live a lie.

    Butch

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  4. I totally understand. I had a wonderful childhood. No sexual abuse. It was wonderful. However, as a young adult I trusted a total asshole man that I should not have. It was horrible. It paralyzed me. I wondered if my feelings towards women were from fear of what he did. I still wonder this sometimes. However if I wasn't gay then I would not have feelings/attraction towards women I would just take fear from what he did an apply that across the board. Hang in there Alice. I think what you need to realize is that you are stronger than you think. I mean you ARE married so you HAVE let a man get close to you. Therefore (respectfully said) you are not as paralyzed as you may think and therefore your attraction to women is most likely more genuine than you think. Good luck. See ya over at CCL. :) Jaz

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