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Tonight I went back to therapy. A lot of shit has been going down and I finally decided to get back on that horse. :p
Life's gotten so complicated and I can't even begin to sort out the stuff about my sexuality with everything else going on.
My therapist seems to think that b/c I feel guilty about all the abuse I've had in my life, that that's what's keeping me in a relationship that may not be right for me.
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He thinks that because I've never had anything good or normal, that I may be staying in my relationship b/c of that. Because I want to be a good, upstanding person.
To be someone who can actually maintain a healthy relationship. I honestly don't know if he's right about that. I know that I don't want to just give up on something that may have it's flaws. But could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
He also asked me if I wasn't with my husband, would I be dating a man or a woman? If we took him out of the picture completely, if I had never met him, would I be with a guy or a girl? I said I know that without a doubt, I would be with a woman.
He thinks that means I'm gay. I don't think I am gay, and said so. But I start to wonder sometimes, is it just a knee-jerk reaction b/c I'm so terrified of hurting my husband? Or because I'm too scared to go there?
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I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.
I felt like I was able to be o.k. with exploring myself b/c I finally felt safe and secure. I was loved and I loved someone and I finally felt like I could be me, that it would be ok.
I wonder sometimes if I got married so fast because I maybe started to have an inkling about liking women. Did it terrify me that much that I did the most surefire thing to make it impossible to ever explore that anytime soon?
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We talked about my sex life ugg :p. I am more sexually attracted to women than men. What does that mean?! I am sexually attracted to my husband, but other than him, I'm not really attracted to men too much in general. The majority of my sexual attraction is to women.
Lots of questions, and confusion, that's for sure.....
~ALICE
You are smart to be putting in the work right now and getting help in figuring out what's really going on. Also, I think you should be less hard on yourself - let some of the anxiety go so that you can enjoy the day that you are living today. You don't need to put so much pressure on yourself. The difficult moments do pass.
ReplyDeletei hope so... i feel like i need to figure things out right now rather than at my own pace so i don't hurt my husband anymore more than i might...
ReplyDeleteSexuality is so fluid, in my personal experience. I don't think it's fair for your therapist to label you gay. What does that even mean? Does it mean someone has attractions to mostly the same sex? What about a lifelong lesbian who falls in love with a man at the age of 40 - was she "straight" all along? Does it matter? The gay man who gets hard from thoughts of a woman's body? Is he bisexual?
ReplyDeleteThese are all things we get to decide and define. It's why I identify as queer. My attraction to men waxes and wanes, and I'm extremely picky about the men I like. I'm attracted to a huge range on women on the other hand. My queerness shifts depending on the month, and how much I've had to drink. I've made out with women to whom I've had no attraction, and I've looked at men that make me wet.
It's taken me YEARS to get to the understanding of myself I currently have. You need to go at your own pace, or it won't be true.