A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

War of My Worlds...

Barev Chicks!
Lately I've been Feeling like I'm split in two.

On the one hand, I have this side to me,  girly, cleaning the house, making dinner for my husband, being a great wife, and overall just happy, centered, kind of vanilla girl.

Which I love. I do love that side of me. There's a part of me that craves normalcy, stability, a quiet happy life. A life that's calm, b/c I've never had that.

Then there's the other side to me. The tomboy who's tattooed, pierced, young and a little bit wild. I want to go out, party, have fun, be 23, be young, experience life, experience women! That side of me I love too b/c it's who I am also.
I am the normal, stable, vanilla girl. But I am also the tattooed, pierced, wild girl I crave a lot but never got to be.

I think that's why I have so many piercings and my tattoo obsession continues with each one I get.

I feel like the sides are competing most of the time. A lot of the time, I do feel like I do an o.k. job of balancing them. Not great, but o.k. It's a learning as I go process.

But lately, it seems as if the sides are competing more and more. I feel less like I can integrate them, make them work for me. I never used to feel like I needed to choose to be more one than the other. I could be both, and it worked for me.

Lately it's not working so well. At all. I feel like I'm two people, and not in a good way.

I think it's because the husband is becoming resistant to me getting involved in LGBT events, which leads me to believe he's not as cool with the whole situation as he says he is.

He says if I'm going to start living that 'lifestyle' than what's the point of even being together. I don't think it's so much about living the 'lifestyle' for me as just having a group of women I can talk to, relate to. It's not to pick someone up.

Plus I think he's secretly afraid that I'll realize I'm a lesbian and leave him. Which I can't say will happen, but I can't say it won't. I just don't know.

 I wish there was a guide book for this whole thing. 
I've read Dear John, I love Jane, and was able to relate to a lot of the book in an almost scary way. I feel like I could have written a lot of it. 

What does that mean???

No comments:

Post a Comment