A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Thursday, May 31, 2012

a little piece of my heart...

Hey chicks! 

what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read.  I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.

I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles  that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.

Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time. 

I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.

It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a  secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it  my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.

If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one. 

Am I gay? 

I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD

I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart? 

Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...

I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress. 

Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!

It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...

Emotional cheating.

I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.

Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!


  1. I think that your "Hey Chicks," sound stupid. How old are you, 14?

  2. Well anonymous, a blog is someone's personal space to express themselves however they want. Read it or not. Excuse me if I disregard your comment seeing as you don't even have the backbone to put a name to your nasty comment.

  3. Hey Alice,
    I wish you all the best on this open relationship! I don't know what it entails, but I hope this helps to heal your heart. I know from personal experience how hard it is to hold in the secret that your gay from your husband. It sucks!
    So I sincerely hope that this works for you both.
    Best wishes!
    We're all cheering you on ;)

  4. i hope it works too! if we ever get to the point of actually starting anything.

  5. anonymous- i apologize for my harsh response to your comment. you hurt my feelings, and while everyone is entitled to their opinion, i ask that you be respectful of me and my blog. this is a very personal journey for me. this is a hate free site and i welcome any and all interactions, i just ask that you be respectful and non-judgmental.

  6. Alice, It takes a while to figure out, don't push anything too quickly. My husband and I are trying to figure something out along those lines right now too.
    And btw- I don't think you were being too harsh to Anonymous in your first comment. I think it was just right.

  7. Alice This is Jazmenha NOTHING to do w Anonymous just chose that by default new to this comment system. Alice as for this Anonymous person do not ever apologize to someone who isn't sorry. I've done that a hundred times and got burned a thousand. What he/she said was rude. You rightfully called them out on it. THEY didn't apologize so that's that. People can be assholes. Yes I have become bitter. Unfortunately I have just experienced WAY MIRE than any one person should. Great blog. Keep up your wonderful writing. Best wishes! Jazmenha from CCL

  8. thanks Jaz! glad to see a fellow CCL-er!

  9. Get a life, Jazmenha. You're always budding in, where you don't belong. It's no wonder that you're still single. We're also sick to death of hearing about Heart. And it's "more" not "mire," moron.

  10. Anonymous, if this is the same commenter as above please respect this blog and the people on it. DO NOT be disrespectful to Jaz. This is a hate free zone. And while you are mocking her spelling mistakes, take a look at your own. don't you mean 'butting' in?

  11. ps- a word to the wise, if you are going to be hateful, at least sign your name to your disrespectful comments. Jaz- I'm so sorry about this person's rudeness!

  12. I MEANT "budding." If you're too dense to understand the symbolism - that's your issue.

  13. my mistake casey. here- let me be clear also. don't be rude to the people on my blog. glad to see you finally grew a backbone and signed a name to your hatefulness.