A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Hiya Chicks!

I need a break from M. To be honest, it hurt to think about her. I'm still not over the whole mess. 

Anyways, here's a fun little story. 

 'Loose lips sink ships.'? Sound familiar? Yeah. 

The last few months I've been dieting and exercising pretty hard. I tell people who comment that I've gotten skinnier that I'm just trying to be healthier. 

That's partly true.

 I've  been trying to sweat out that little voice in the back of my head. 
The one that pops up at the worst moments,and whispers 'You're gay, stop being a little bitch and get on with ruining his life already'. It's not working.

As my body shrinks more and more, the voice gets louder. The voice is a bitch. She knows my worst insecurities. She always screams them at me. Loudly. 

The husband and I went to a local food tasting event in our city. I've always been a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Never done it much so I have no tolerance. Apparently the husband thought it would be a good idea for me to chug a mikes hard as we were leaving. *FAIL* 

As I staggered my way back to the car, that was wayyy far away, somehow the topic of girls came up. I think I suggested we go to the strip club? Somehow or another, it got shut down and I got sad. Really sad, about to cry sad.

I guess he realized I looked sad and wanted to know what was going on. My brain was screaming, 'IM GAY!' on repeat. Alcohol talking? Maybe, maybe not. 

I slurred out that I'm really not straight and I didn't know how the whole thing was gonna work out. 

Yes I did. I know. 

To be fair, him pressuring me to tell him didn't help the situation. Whenever I don't want to talk he freaks. As always it came back around to him thinking I'm going to leave him in a few years. No matter how much I reassure him I'm not going anywhere, it always comes up when we fight.

He thinks I'm going to leave him b/c I'm gay. Does he know something I don't? Deep down, is he admitting to himself something that I'm not ready to yet?

Somehow, I'm not sure how,it was decided that my introduction to girls would be via a lap dance  at a strip club.

Ok. *facepalm* Now while I'm not one to turn down a hot girl grinding on me, a. What if there's no hot girl strippers?!? b. um, yeah I can't get past a.

I like to look at femme girls, I wouldn't say no to one grinding on me. But what are the chances of there being a hot tattooed, femm-y stripper? I didn't really want my first girl on girl experience to be a lap dance either.

On the other side of the spectrum, while I like to look at femmes, what really turns me on is butches/tomboys. That's what gets me going. The husband only wants to see me have any type of interaction with a femme. Probably he thinks a butch/tomboy will steal me away. 

I go weak in the knees for Butches in a very obvious way I can't hide. Butches turn me on in a way that nothing else ever has. He doesn't want me doing anything with a butch b/c it feels like I'm just replacing him. I think.

 A lap dance seems so cold and clinical. I guess Im looking for whenever something happens to be more personal. Not like I'm paying them to be interested...

1 comment:

  1. Something tells me the strip club was only the booze talking. If you were sober you wouldn't go there to try to meet and flirt with a girl. You wouldn't want to. You'd be cheating yourself if you did.
    And I definitely understand the desire to not hurt your husband. But I think your desire to not hurt your husband is keeping you from being honest with yourself. Open up and admit to yourself what it is that you really want. You may find it's not as bad as you think. You may not want to leave your husband, it's just that you're so desparately trying to deny that as a possibility that you're starting to feel as if it is the ONLY possibility.
    Let yourself actually explore what you want. And then when you figure it out you can be honest with your husband.
    And who knows maybe he isn't sensing that you're going to leave him, he's just sensing that your holding something back and that makes him jump to the conclusion that you're going to leave in a few years?
    Sorry for the ramble.. But I'm here if you ever need anything. ;)