Becoming Me...

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Hi Chickees!


 Life has just been crazy. In a good, but also weird way. 


My brother in law moved back in with my husband and I. It's a good thing, don't worry chicks. 

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Life definitely is starting to feel good again these days.Less confused, more serene. Which for me is a beautiful thing.  My family is back together, my husband isn't worrying about his brother anymore.


Other than a few adjustments with us all living together again, a couple of fights, things are good. Which feels rare. Especially with all the confusion I've been having about my sexuality.



I hate conflict in my personal life. I can't seem to really face it ever. When it happens, I just shut down, stop thinking, feeling, and barely breathing most of the time. 


It drives my husband crazy. I become this cold, robot who just stops functioning at the first sign of a fight. It's self protection, I can't stop it, or help it. Years of abuse from my mother made me retreat inside myself. That was the only safe place I had, physically, and emotionally. 


I am working on it, and I am lucky to have someone who loves me enough to break through the shell I become and pull me out before I fall too deep into that hole.



I think I'm starting to finally feel like myself these days. All the craziness with BIL (brother in law!) moving in kind of kept me from obsessing about my sexuality, and stressing about how to make it fit in my life. For now anyways. ;p


I am def. feeling calmer about the whole thing these days. It's a part of me, but I guess I am realizing that I don't really need to stress about it so much.


I think I am feeling more relaxed about it since I feel more like myself these days. I'm not really limiting or editing anything I say in front of BIL. Maybe I should, but it's my house too! 


I edit and hide myself all day at work, if I wanna say a girl is hot in my house, dammit I will! :p


So, for now, things are calm. The husband and I are getting along, work is crazy, big surprise, and I started my Alice tattoo sleeve!! All in all, not bad :)


~ALICE

These Urges of Mine...

What it be Chickadees?
So I'm having a problem with urges lately. A BIG problem. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I can't have some sort of sexual encounter with a woman. 

Which brings up a few problems. Oh, Let me count the many ways this is creating problems for me...


Well, I just so happen to be married to a man for one. He's still adjusting to the idea of me having sex with a woman. He says he's o.k. with it as long as it doesn't affect our relationship.


I know, I know. There's so many hidden messages, and potentially fucked up situation that could arise from that situation.


But I can't seem to get it out of my head lately. Or my genitals :p 

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It's like it's the forbidden fruit. Someone's holding it out to me and telling me not to do it. 


I don't want to hurt my husband, or ruin my marriage. 


I don't know what to do....


Suddenly, I can relate to all the young teenagers who hit puberty. I feel like my hormones are out of control lately. 


I have read a lot about how when people who thought their sexuality was one thing their whole life. Then when it changes, their hormones rage out of control.


I guess it's because you suddenly discover something sexually about yourself you never knew?


What do you think chicks?
~ALICE

War of My Worlds...

Barev Chicks!
Lately I've been Feeling like I'm split in two.


On the one hand, I have this side to me,  girly, cleaning the house, making dinner for my husband, being a great wife, and overall just happy, centered, kind of vanilla girl.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

Which I love. I do love that side of me. There's a part of me that craves normalcy, stability, a quiet happy life. A life that's calm, b/c I've never had that.


Then there's the other side to me. The tomboy who's tattooed, pierced, young and a little bit wild. I want to go out, party, have fun, be 23, be young, experience life, experience women! That side of me I love too b/c it's who I am also.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

I am the normal, stable, vanilla girl. But I am also the tattooed, pierced, wild girl I crave a lot but never got to be.



I think that's why I have so many piercings and my tattoo obsession continues with each one I get.


I feel like the sides are competing most of the time. A lot of the time, I do feel like I do an o.k. job of balancing them. Not great, but o.k. It's a learning as I go process.



But lately, it seems as if the sides are competing more and more. I feel less like I can integrate them, make them work for me. I never used to feel like I needed to choose to be more one than the other. I could be both, and it worked for me.


Lately it's not working so well. At all. I feel like I'm two people, and not in a good way.


I think it's because the husband is becoming resistant to me getting involved in LGBT events, which leads me to believe he's not as cool with the whole situation as he says he is.


He says if I'm going to start living that 'lifestyle' than what's the point of even being together. I don't think it's so much about living the 'lifestyle' for me as just having a group of women I can talk to, relate to. It's not to pick someone up.


Plus I think he's secretly afraid that I'll realize I'm a lesbian and leave him. Which I can't say will happen, but I can't say it won't. I just don't know.


 I wish there was a guide book for this whole thing. 

http://www.dearjohnilovejane.com/djilj%20new%20cover%20shadow.png

I've read Dear John, I love Jane, and was able to relate to a lot of the book in an almost scary way. I feel like I could have written a lot of it. 


What does that mean???
~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hola Chicks! 


Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the Day! 

http://www.mtv.com/content/ontv/vma/2011/photos/flipbooks/11-full-fashion-recap/jessie-j-122729160.jpg

Jessie J! I'm even more excited b/c she is Bisexual. It's so good to see a Bisexual woman in the media who makes me proud to be bi!


Her calm and self assured acceptance of who she is and what she stands for makes me hope. That Bisexuality will be accepted more. Questioned less, scorned and sneered at less.


Thank you Jessie J!


She's hot too! Like smokin' hot! :p
~ALICE

Femmeboy? Femmish? Wtf?

http://www.thedailygreen.com/cm/thedailygreen/images/Ct/lead-free-lipstick2-lg.jpg

Hiya Chicks!


Here comes another post about being Femme! I've been thinking a lot about what makes me Femme, and what defines me as Femme as opposed to straight girls who are feminine. 


Is Femme a state of being, or a state of mind?
What exactly makes me Femme? Why do I identify as Femme? 


To me, I think liking women is what seperates me as a femme as opposed to a feminine  straight woman.


Maybe I'm wrong. I have no idea. :p


Why does it even matter what my label is? Why are people so obsessed with figuring out what category they belong in?


Is it because some people the LGBT community aren't sure who they are in the beginning? When they finally figure it out they're happy to know where they fit?


Maybe.


Is anyone ever just one thing though? 


Most of the time I feel like I am femme. I love my heels and pretty dresses, I always straighten my hair and wear makeup. I don't wear any eye-shadow or lipstick or anything fancy, does that still make me Femme?




I tend to wear a lot of ripped jeans and rocker tees though too. I usually go back and forth between tomboyish and femmeish. So what does that make me?  A tomboy Femme? 

Urgg. There's too many labels, and classifications, and sub-classifications!

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It's enough to make me crazy! I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I guess in a way it does matter to me. 


As I try to figure out myself and my sexuality,  I can see how having a label to identify yourself can help. I read somewhere online that someone said labels don't have to be labels, they are simply identifiers. 


I like that.


So maybe I should stop looking at it as a label, and see it as a identifier.


Hi, my name is Alice and I am a Bi tomboy femme?....


Hmm, that's a mouthful :p


~ALICE

Bonjour Chicks!
Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the day!

http://images.buddytv.com/articles/the-l-word/images/katherine-moennig-1.jpg

Katherine Moennig! Am I the only one that is reduced to a caveman when I see this? Only capable of drooling and grunts? YUM :p
~ALICE

Back In The Closet Again...

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Guten Morgen Chicks!

Today is a serious day. It looks like I am headed back into the closet.

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It's not really something I want to do. At all. But it seems like it's going to have to be done out of necessity.

I'm pretty upset about it actually. Don't let the exclamation points fool you.

http://lingoslinger.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/woman-crying.jpg%3Fw%3D300%26h%3D261

I have a family member moving back in with my husband and I.


Someone who is going through a hard time in their life, and needs their family right now. I actually don't even mind the whole moving back in part at all. That doesn't bother me in the least. 


The part that bothers me is where I have to once again hide my sexuality. That bothers me. A lot. My husband says it won't matter, I can tell this person. It won't make a difference at all.


I don't know though. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I think it probably won't make a difference. I'm think I'm just feeling insecure because I don't really want to share this part of me with anyone else yet.

http://www.pennyauctions.me/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/job-search-secrets.jpg

My husband knows,and two of my family members. And a couple of friends. But other than that, I am not out yet to anyone at my work. Or anywhere else.


So there really isn't a whole lot of places besides my home right now that I can truly just let loose and be me. Being in my home I can finallllly comment on the smokin' hot girl I saw that day to my hubby. Or I can openly drool over an online profile or article with, again a hot girl. :p


Or I could even be talking to my husband about the whole girls thing. We talk about it a lot, trying to figure out how to fit this into our life. Trying to figure out how to go forward in a way that won't hurt either one of us or anyone else.


We have been making a lot of progress. I think. I feel like we were working out a way for me to have my experience in a way that would be ok for us both.

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And now I feel like I've been shut down. I'm not mad. Not at all. Just sad I guess. I feel like I was so close.


Now it's back to the closet.

http://ih2.redbubble.net/work.2267135.2.papergc,441x415,w,ffffff.v4.jpg

For now anyways. At least until I get the courage maybe to be brave and come out to another person. 


LE SIGH...


What would you do Chicks??


~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Bonjour Chicks!

Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the day! Joan Jett! I love rock and roll even more now! 

~ALICE

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Virgin Lesbian?...

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Hola Chicks!


So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.


A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?


It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin. 


Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows. 


But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that. 


But I need to know.


And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.


Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask. 


We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to  think?


Should I be trying to include him in some way? 

If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.


I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.


But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.


Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.


But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.


So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run. 


But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be  unhappy.


I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.


But not completely happy. And I always promised  myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...


~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hi Chickies!! 

Here's your fix for today!!

Tegan Quin!! Yum!

~ALICE