Loose Lips Sink Ships

Hiya Chicks!

I need a break from M. To be honest, it hurt to think about her. I'm still not over the whole mess. 

Anyways, here's a fun little story. 

 'Loose lips sink ships.'? Sound familiar? Yeah. 

The last few months I've been dieting and exercising pretty hard. I tell people who comment that I've gotten skinnier that I'm just trying to be healthier. 

That's partly true.

 I've  been trying to sweat out that little voice in the back of my head. 

The one that pops up at the worst moments,and whispers 'You're gay, stop being a little bitch and get on with ruining his life already'. It's not working.

As my body shrinks more and more, the voice gets louder. The voice is a bitch. She knows my worst insecurities. She always screams them at me. Loudly. 

The husband and I went to a local food tasting event in our city. I've always been a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Never done it much so I have no tolerance. Apparently the husband thought it would be a good idea for me to chug a mikes hard as we were leaving. *FAIL* 

As I staggered my way back to the car, that was wayyy far away, somehow the topic of girls came up. I think I suggested we go to the strip club? Somehow or another, it got shut down and I got sad. Really sad, about to cry sad.

I guess he realized I looked sad and wanted to know what was going on. My brain was screaming, 'IM GAY!' on repeat. Alcohol talking? Maybe, maybe not. 

I slurred out that I'm really not straight and I didn't know how the whole thing was gonna work out. 

Yes I did. I know. 

To be fair, him pressuring me to tell him didn't help the situation. Whenever I don't want to talk he freaks. As always it came back around to him thinking I'm going to leave him in a few years. No matter how much I reassure him I'm not going anywhere, it always comes up when we fight.

He thinks I'm going to leave him b/c I'm gay. Does he know something I don't? Deep down, is he admitting to himself something that I'm not ready to yet?

Somehow, I'm not sure how,it was decided that my introduction to girls would be via a lap dance  at a strip club.

Ok. *facepalm* Now while I'm not one to turn down a hot girl grinding on me, a. What if there's no hot girl strippers?!? b. um, yeah I can't get past a.

I like to look at femme girls, I wouldn't say no to one grinding on me. But what are the chances of there being a hot tattooed, femm-y stripper? I didn't really want my first girl on girl experience to be a lap dance either.

On the other side of the spectrum, while I like to look at femmes, what really turns me on is butches/tomboys. That's what gets me going. The husband only wants to see me have any type of interaction with a femme. Probably he thinks a butch/tomboy will steal me away. 

I go weak in the knees for Butches in a very obvious way I can't hide. Butches turn me on in a way that nothing else ever has. He doesn't want me doing anything with a butch b/c it feels like I'm just replacing him. I think.

 A lap dance seems so cold and clinical. I guess Im looking for whenever something happens to be more personal. Not like I'm paying them to be interested...

a little piece of my heart...

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Hey chicks! 


what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read.  I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.


I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles  that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.


Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time. 


I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.


It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a  secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.


I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it  my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.


If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one. 


Am I gay? 


I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD


I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart? 


Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...


I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress. 

http://ledgerlink.monster.com/nfs/ledgerlink/attachment_images/0001/0790/iStock_000007124897Small.jpg-1_crop380w.jpg?1261186294

Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!


It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...


Emotional cheating.


I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.


Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!
~ALICE

These Lesbian Sides of Me...

http://www.ideachampions.com/heart/Bleeding_heart_by_Moonbeam13.jpg
Hola Chicks!The husband and I actually had a really good, honest heart to heart the other night.

I was able to be completely honest and say for once that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay.


For once too, instead of brushing or laughing the subject off, as we are prone to do, we took it seriously. I was able to overcome my crippling terror and talk clearly for once.


I told him that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay. But that I don't know really, and am not in a place to even think about that. 


It's true. I have come a long way to accepting myself and my sexuality. I still have a long way to go though, and I am not in a place to even think about if I could be gay or not. 


Plus being married to a man also complicates things too. My husband is a great guy, and I do love him, so deeply it scares me sometimes. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my love, my best friend. 


The thing is, I can picture being with a woman. Having sex with one, sleeping with one. Even having a relationship with one if I wasn't married. 


But I can't imagine my life without my husband in it. I can fantasize forever about all the things with a woman, but I can't picture my life without him. It just seems inconceivable to me. 

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I'm not really sure what that means...?


Could it be fear? I wish I knew. Or was brave enough to face that.


He said to me that if it did turn out I was gay, he could see us still being friends. But then he asked me to please not break his heart like that b/c he wouldn't be able to bear it. 

http://d.peperonity.info/c/d/1E9DB6/444779/ssc3/home/013/fanfan.images/albums/emo_7rtx1nio.jpg

Which made my heart hurt. A lot. I love this man. But I have this side of me that isn't complete?, that needs to be fulfilled with a woman.


More confusion....
~ALICE

These Urges of Mine...

What it be Chickadees?
So I'm having a problem with urges lately. A BIG problem. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I can't have some sort of sexual encounter with a woman. 

Which brings up a few problems. Oh, Let me count the many ways this is creating problems for me...


Well, I just so happen to be married to a man for one. He's still adjusting to the idea of me having sex with a woman. He says he's o.k. with it as long as it doesn't affect our relationship.


I know, I know. There's so many hidden messages, and potentially fucked up situation that could arise from that situation.


But I can't seem to get it out of my head lately. Or my genitals :p 

http://aaaummm.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/4409953363_6620d8c598.jpg

It's like it's the forbidden fruit. Someone's holding it out to me and telling me not to do it. 


I don't want to hurt my husband, or ruin my marriage. 


I don't know what to do....


Suddenly, I can relate to all the young teenagers who hit puberty. I feel like my hormones are out of control lately. 


I have read a lot about how when people who thought their sexuality was one thing their whole life. Then when it changes, their hormones rage out of control.


I guess it's because you suddenly discover something sexually about yourself you never knew?


What do you think chicks?
~ALICE

Bonjour Chicks!
Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the day!

http://images.buddytv.com/articles/the-l-word/images/katherine-moennig-1.jpg

Katherine Moennig! Am I the only one that is reduced to a caveman when I see this? Only capable of drooling and grunts? YUM :p
~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Bonjour Chicks!

Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the day! Joan Jett! I love rock and roll even more now! 

~ALICE

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWR75ydPD4i7ZP48O5Yd7AgUlb-kBe6gP4cfFq1czvSHBhKxMt_N_-45xbwkxBfgCCo2tFxTl5PFN90Vb4YHEW302nGV_iUD96umbFO2dTkdk3qouw6rCUsMH9gmCWF3U8bLksnizZAmI/s1600/Joan%252BJett.jpg

Virgin Lesbian?...

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Hola Chicks!


So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.


A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?


It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin. 


Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows. 


But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that. 


But I need to know.


And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.


Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask. 


We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to  think?


Should I be trying to include him in some way? 

If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.


I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.


But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.


Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.


But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.


So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run. 


But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be  unhappy.


I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.


But not completely happy. And I always promised  myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...


~ALICE

Soo Not Into Porn! (kind of)

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Meowww Chickitas!!

So something I've been thinking about is porn. Ha. I am just a person who is not into porn at all. kind of. Ok, let me try to explain. Man on woman porn just doesn't do it for me. At all. Like really at all. It actually kind of turned me off. To be honest. Woman on woman does the same thing.


Is that weird? 


It seems like women are raised in society to think that if a woman has a problem with her significant other watching porn, then she is a prude, a bitch, and just plain damm uncool.

I have to admit, I used to hate porn and I would usually get into a huge fight with my husband whenever I caught him looking at it. 

The fact is that porn made me feel like he was thinking about that whenever we had sex, and not me. I was pretty insecure about myself and my body.


Then one day, I don't know what really happened honestly...


I just kind of got over it I guess. I think it was that one day I saw a porno online that was actually kind of sexy... :p


My main thing about not liking porn is that sooo much of it looks fake and, well, like porn. Seeing as it it fake, I don't really know what I am wanting when I watch it? I think for me it kind of bothers me that there isn't really any, connection, I guess? Between the man/woman, woman/woman.


Ok, stay with me through this bit of sappiness!


It used to be really hard for me to have sex with someone without having feelings for them or being in love with them. I know, commence the eye rolling.

Blame it on insecurity, whatever, but I always felt like I needed to have a connection with someone in order to have sex with them.


Now I don't really feel that way. Well, to clarify, I think it's b/c I'm more confidant in myself and my sexuality. I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with some random chick. If and when I do have a experience with a woman, it will be with my husbands blessing. That's a topic for another time though!


Anyways, I came across a man/woman porno one day a couple of months ago, and it was actually a real turn on. I actually always detested man/women porn. A lot. Like this much:

I realized i liked it b/c the people in it were acting like a couple, it seems like they actually gave a shit about each other and weren't just fucking. I think that's what it was, it wasn't that there was tenderness. It was that it wasn't cold and clinical, and soooo impersonal.


I've read girl on girl porn books, and that actually got me horny to the point of insanity... Maybe it's just that im more imaginative than visual? Even regular man on woman gets me off more when I read it as opposed to watching it...

I've been trying to find a girl on girl porno to watch that turns me on, but it hasn't happened. I'm really into tattooed girl on girl action, but i can't seem to find anything that isn't two girls who look like they're faking it, and in a badddd way. Or it's two normal looking chicks wearing goth clothes, but they couldn't look less like they belong in them.


They're like Abercombie looking type bitches.

Not hot. *SHUDDERS*


I don't need some sappy love scene type shit. I just want a good girl on girl porn that isn't super fake and clinical and cold looking...


Where can I find this?!

Not this, it makes me wanna rip my eyes out...

What's a girl to do?


Anyone have a good recommendation for me?


~ALICE

That Green eyed monster called Jealousy....

http://www.findlove-keeplove.com/images/green-eyed-monster.jpg

Morning Chickettes!
I'm a bit blue today. Or green, I'm not really sure which.


I recently talked to this girl I used to have a crush on, and she was taking the trouble to go on and on about her perfect new girlfriend. 


Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she has someone finally. Everyone deserves to be happy. But I think I am feeling a little of the green-eyed monster.


Am I feeling so twitchy about the whole thing b/c she was the catalyst for me realizing I like girls? So it makes the whole thing a bit more complicated anyways. 


Maybe it's b/c she was going on about how perfect she is, and how she's the hottest girl she's ever gotten, and how she has a perfect body. I think I got punched in my self esteem a bit, especially since I have body image issues.


I know that I by no means have a perfect body, even though my husband tells me I am the hottest girl he's ever seen. I always feel like he has to say that b/c he married to me. I realized that I am not even remotely ugly. But I feel average most days...


But thanks to my asshole second boyfriend ever who when I broke up with him, said he wanted a girlfriend who was beautiful, not average looking like me, and someone who was skinny. Ouch right? I know that I am not fat by any means, I do have curves, and am actually at a healthy weight for being 5'6 1/2. And I recently lost 18 lbs so I should have a ton of confidence right? If only...


I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous, but I feel like she was a bit. And I actually was a bit jealous. Now when I think rationally about it, I think I was more jealous of her getting to experience being with a girl. Which a lot of the time, I feel pretty hopeless  that it will happen for me.


There is nothing about her that I even remotely like now, to be honest. She's a manipulator and she tried to break up my marriage. Granted I'm partly to blame too b/c I didn't put a stop to it, b/c I figured I had it under control and wouldn't listen to the people around me.


She still maintains that she did nothing wrong, and plays the game of not understanding why I won't be in her life. She says she's over me, and doesn't care anymore, and I feel so relieved at that. But kind of pissed to, that she pulled my life apart on a whim, b/c she decided she wanted me, and now she's moved on. And I'm left trying to figure out how to fix my life.


I shouldn't even be talking to her, I realize that. Sometimes I just can't help myself though.


My hubby today knew I was feeling down, but I couldn't figure out why. I just have that weepy everything sucks feeling. I probably need to go back to my shrink I guess. I hate going though, I feel like therapy is for weak people who can't cope. Usually I just hold my feelings in until I explode and have a meltdown, healthy right?


Still, the bad days make me want to hop back in the closet, as everything seems hopeless and stuck.....


Le Sigh, Chickettes, Le Sigh.....


~ALICE

Ivan E. Coyote

This makes me proud to be a Femme! Also, kinda horny.... :p

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hi Chickies!!


Here's your hot girl fix of the day!!! Ivan Coyote!!! No more words are needed, let's all just drool.....

Oh the things I want to do to her that I don't even know how to do...... 


~Alice

Bi-Femme= BiFucked!

Hey Chickies!!
Today is mash-up day!
So today I want to talk about a little something i call BiFemme...

See to me, I am a BiFemme. And I've come to the realization that being a BiFemme means Im pretty much fucked. And not in a good way. :p


A BiFemme is a Bisexual woman who is also a femme. Sounds interesting right? Well, it does make things a bit complicated as im married. 


See, I've read a lot about Femme invisibility in the LGBT community. It seems like a lot of Femmes feel like they are invisible b/c they lesbians aren't immediately able to identify them as gay. So for a lot of Femme women, it's hard to meet other women, let alone be recognized as gay.


Seeing as I am a Femme, and Bisexual, sometimes it seems hopeless.


I've read so many posts on Femme invisibility that it seems doubly against me that I am a BiFemme. Not only will I not be recognized as part of the LGBT community, I am Femme so I definitely won't be recognized. Sometimes it seems hopeless but I have to persevere until I figure things out...


Are there any other BiFemmes out there? And do they feel as hopeless as I do sometimes? ~ALICE

Is Bi the gateway sexuality?

What up peeps!! So today I've been thinking a lot about how it seems that many, many people seem to think that Bi is the gateway sexuality to being gay. Since discovering that I myself, am in fact, Bisexual, I've been obsessed with researching it more online and finding out everything i can.... I'm a geek like that.


 Big time. 


So it seems like a lot of people think that if someone comes out as bi, they are either in the closet, or are just confuses, or in the case of girls, doing it for attention from men.


Let me just say, I am not Bisexual to get attention from men. I am not, to my knowledge, secretly in the closet. I have my doubts about being Bi vs. a lesbian, but that's a topic for another time. Right now I know I am Bisexual.


I guess i just feel frustrated that Bisexuality doesn't seems like it's accepted in the LGBT community, or really any community. at the least it seems like its sneered at, or laughed at, or questioned.


Why Why Why?

I guess its the same as being questioned about being a lesbian by people who don't believe it, I just don't understand why people within the LGBT community don't seem to be more open minded.  Since the whole LGBT community is about acceptance and helping each other out, I guess Im just confused at to why there isn't more understanding? 


Not to be contradictory, 
I have seen a lot of stories online about lesbians who have either had relationships or gotten involved with bisexual women, only to have their heart's broken.


 While I feel sooo badly for those women, I don't think that all Bisexuals should be treated like they are going to do the same thing.


Is it just that people are trying to explain away something they don't understand?? ~ALICE