Fake It Till You Make It...

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I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...


I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...


I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female. 


Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p


I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent. 


I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.


When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p

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I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..

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To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.


I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.


I am sexually attracted to my husband.


But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled. 

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How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men? 


I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him? 


It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.


It's weird I know...

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My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.

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I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history. 


I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much. 


Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.

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I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.


Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.


But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now? 


I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???


Other than me of course...
~ALICE

Therapy

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Hola Chicks!


Tonight I went back to therapy. A lot of shit has been going down and I finally decided to get back on that horse. :p


Life's gotten so complicated and I can't even begin to sort out the stuff about my sexuality with everything else going on.


My therapist seems to think that b/c I feel guilty about all the abuse I've had in my life, that that's what's keeping me in a relationship that may not be right for me. 

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He thinks that because I've never had anything good or normal, that I may be staying in my relationship b/c of that. Because I want to be a good, upstanding person. 


 To be someone who can actually maintain a healthy relationship. I honestly don't know if he's right about that. I know that I don't want to just give up on something that may have it's flaws. But could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me.


He also asked me if I wasn't with my husband, would I be dating a man or a woman? If we took him out of the picture completely, if I had never met him, would I be with a guy or a girl?  I said I know that without a doubt, I would be with a woman.


He thinks that means I'm gay. I don't think I am gay, and said so. But I start to wonder sometimes, is it just a knee-jerk reaction b/c I'm so terrified of hurting my husband? Or because I'm too scared to go there?

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The iffy part of that is that I didn't realize till after I was married that I liked women. If I hadn't gotten married would I ever have realized it? 



I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

I felt like I was able to be o.k. with exploring myself b/c I finally felt safe and secure. I was loved and I loved someone and I finally felt like I could be me, that it would be ok.


I wonder sometimes if I got married so fast because I maybe started to have an inkling about liking women. Did it terrify me that much that I did the most surefire thing to make it impossible to ever explore that anytime soon?

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I don't know. Or I feel like I do know but am too scared to go there right now.

We talked about my sex life ugg :p. I am more sexually attracted to women than men. What does that mean?! I am sexually attracted to my husband, but other than him, I'm not really attracted to men too much in general. The majority of my sexual attraction is to women.

Lots of questions, and confusion, that's for sure.....

~ALICE

Virgin Lesbian?...

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Hola Chicks!


So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.


A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?


It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin. 


Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows. 


But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that. 


But I need to know.


And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.


Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask. 


We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to  think?


Should I be trying to include him in some way? 

If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.


I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.


But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.


Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.


But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.


So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run. 


But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be  unhappy.


I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.


But not completely happy. And I always promised  myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...


~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hi Chickies!! 

Here's your fix for today!!

Tegan Quin!! Yum!

~ALICE

Soo Not Into Porn! (kind of)

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Meowww Chickitas!!

So something I've been thinking about is porn. Ha. I am just a person who is not into porn at all. kind of. Ok, let me try to explain. Man on woman porn just doesn't do it for me. At all. Like really at all. It actually kind of turned me off. To be honest. Woman on woman does the same thing.


Is that weird? 


It seems like women are raised in society to think that if a woman has a problem with her significant other watching porn, then she is a prude, a bitch, and just plain damm uncool.

I have to admit, I used to hate porn and I would usually get into a huge fight with my husband whenever I caught him looking at it. 

The fact is that porn made me feel like he was thinking about that whenever we had sex, and not me. I was pretty insecure about myself and my body.


Then one day, I don't know what really happened honestly...


I just kind of got over it I guess. I think it was that one day I saw a porno online that was actually kind of sexy... :p


My main thing about not liking porn is that sooo much of it looks fake and, well, like porn. Seeing as it it fake, I don't really know what I am wanting when I watch it? I think for me it kind of bothers me that there isn't really any, connection, I guess? Between the man/woman, woman/woman.


Ok, stay with me through this bit of sappiness!


It used to be really hard for me to have sex with someone without having feelings for them or being in love with them. I know, commence the eye rolling.

Blame it on insecurity, whatever, but I always felt like I needed to have a connection with someone in order to have sex with them.


Now I don't really feel that way. Well, to clarify, I think it's b/c I'm more confidant in myself and my sexuality. I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with some random chick. If and when I do have a experience with a woman, it will be with my husbands blessing. That's a topic for another time though!


Anyways, I came across a man/woman porno one day a couple of months ago, and it was actually a real turn on. I actually always detested man/women porn. A lot. Like this much:

I realized i liked it b/c the people in it were acting like a couple, it seems like they actually gave a shit about each other and weren't just fucking. I think that's what it was, it wasn't that there was tenderness. It was that it wasn't cold and clinical, and soooo impersonal.


I've read girl on girl porn books, and that actually got me horny to the point of insanity... Maybe it's just that im more imaginative than visual? Even regular man on woman gets me off more when I read it as opposed to watching it...

I've been trying to find a girl on girl porno to watch that turns me on, but it hasn't happened. I'm really into tattooed girl on girl action, but i can't seem to find anything that isn't two girls who look like they're faking it, and in a badddd way. Or it's two normal looking chicks wearing goth clothes, but they couldn't look less like they belong in them.


They're like Abercombie looking type bitches.

Not hot. *SHUDDERS*


I don't need some sappy love scene type shit. I just want a good girl on girl porn that isn't super fake and clinical and cold looking...


Where can I find this?!

Not this, it makes me wanna rip my eyes out...

What's a girl to do?


Anyone have a good recommendation for me?


~ALICE

butch femme tango

This makes me tear up every time for some reason

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hi Chickies!!


Here's your hot girl fix of the day!!! Ivan Coyote!!! No more words are needed, let's all just drool.....

Oh the things I want to do to her that I don't even know how to do...... 


~Alice

'hey hon, you're gay....'

Hey there Chickies!


Wouldn't life be so much easier if there was someone in your life who was incredibly nice and just one day said to you, 


"hey, you know you're gay right? And it's ok...."

LE SIGH.....


If only life was that simple and easy. We could just avoid all the confusion, hurt, and general craziness. All the questions, questioning, and jumbled up feelings would go away.


Kinda like shock therapy. I know for sure that I am one of the most stubborn people I know, sometimes to the point of stupidity. 


I hate being told what to do, and sometimes in your life, a person needs someone to shake the shit out of them so you can wake up and see reality.


You know how when someone comes out whenever that is, everyone around them isn't surprised or even shocked? Most of the time anyways, that  is. 


Seems like it would just be easier for that person if someone just took them aside and said, 'hon, you're gay..'. Or 'you're not, gay, you go both ways, and that's ok...'


Theoretically anyways. I know that everyone has to come out in there own way and time. When they are ready. It's just for me personally, I wish I had that person to tell me it will be ok whatever I turn out to be....


I just wish I knew what I was, that my own fears would stop holding me back....
~ALICE

Whose that Doggie in the Window?

Hola Chickies!!!


Anyone ever feel disconnected from their life sometimes? I feel that way sometimes. A lot of the time I feel so cut off from normalcy. Is that normal?


Be warned, this post may not make much sense....

A lot of the time when I feel disconnected is when I see or read about a lesbian couple.


This is how i feel then....

I feel like that puppy in the pet store window, nose pressed against the glass, watching everything interesting go by. But I can't get to it. 


What in the hell does this mean?! Am I scared to admit that there's a part of me that wants to experience having a lesbian relationship. I don't know!

I do know that I love my husband more than it seems possible, so much that it hurts sometimes. I can't and don't want to ever imagine my life without him. 


So what's wrong with me?


Is it the whole people want what they can't have syndrome? The grass is always greener on the other side? I don't think that's it. I think I wish I had had this life experience that I now feel cut off from, so I would feel no uncertainty now.


Sometimes I wish we had waited to get married, if for nothing else than i would have more of a sense of myself. I would be more comfortable in my own skin, not be so dependent on him. I wish I had had more time to explore,to figure out me and my life. 


But most of all, I wish I had taken a breather from my sex life, and taken the time to truly explore what and who I liked before I entered into another relationship. I wish I hadn't been too scared to look @ all my options and choices. I shouldn't have let my religious upbringing have such an effect on me. 


I don't know that that wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know that it would have.




I should have been more fearless....