Not Sick, Just Crazy...

http://images.cryhavok.org/d/4141-2/Doctor+Visit+by+redandjonny.jpg

Hi Chickees!!


So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.


I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.


Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.


I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D-LZxhXlNXY/Sd7aVSGoRRI/AAAAAAAAKfA/i8lP0xru-ZI/s400/funny-pictures.jpg

My doc went on to lecture me that I'm not doing anything to combat my stress level, and ignoring it isn't working. blaah blah blaaah. :p


My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation' 


It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better. 

http://us.cdn3.123rf.com/168nwm/alexmillos/alexmillos1106/alexmillos110600027/9751665-broken-heart-with-a-band-aid-illustration-design-over-white.jpg

People who haven't been in a situation like that don't really understand, and it's useless to have pity.


Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.


He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.

http://www.onemoremilerunning.com/images/uploads/therapy_mag.jpg

So I did go back to therapy. Sooo not happy, I'm still feeling very vulnerable,and it's been 3 days. 


Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.

http://pauladandrea.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/pandoras-box.jpg

Which is annoying to me. I hide behind a hard, can't hurt me shell. These days though I feel like my shell is gone. Everything seems to be affecting me, and I don't know if it's b/c I'm physically run down? I can't really seem to be unaffected these days. 


That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.


I almost cried in therapy. 

http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs4/i/2005/139/1/5/The_Horror_by_najuzaid.jpg

It was horrifying. I don't cry hardly ever.I didn't even cry at my wedding. Which I know is just me stifling my emotions. But I can't cry. Being beaten so the person doing it can see you cry, kind of hindered my ability to do so.


The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p 


Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.


WHAT. THE. FUCK.


My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.


I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmNdWsnrkiqH2qJwdfWmw_fQW2c2rR63kuRhmWF_lssAeudogN8uRU3IoD4XJouVZ16OYlEQUgoHY_ii8z5kzs8IgXWOB5X7OuCEI-dXkPB1bYNsZvEn9Zd1UiJXH2smN-JKUBUo47f6l4/s1600/cap.jpg

It's like finally opening up about the things that hurt me have opened me up, and now I can't close it off again. Which is probably why I have such bad anxiety. 


Apparently.


I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess. 


I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.


I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...


I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me... 
~ALICE

Sweat that Shit Out...

http://howtogrowtaller101.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/grow-taller-Exercises.jpg

What it be Chickadees?

Lately I've been having some health problems. Which is scary. Especially when you don't know why. I've been having these funky stomach aches for about the past month.

Which kind of sucks. A lot. 

I also have an unhealthy, irrational fear of doctors. Big time.

http://cache.thenewsroom.com/howcast/2010/03/23/384103_pre.jpg

I finally went to a doctor and after doing a lot of tests they still don't know what's wrong with me. 

The doctor thinks that it is probably stress, but he has to test for other stuff in the meantime. 

Which, stress? Really? That's kind of the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

But...

http://tshirtgroove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/but-wait-theres-more-billy-mays-tshirt.jpg

I have been pretty stressed lately. I work in retail, and it's the holiday, so the craziness is on. I do stock and pricing as well as assist my manager as I'm the lead on my team. 

I also have had to deal with losing the long time manager of my departments I take care of. I was promoted from my dept. to my position now, so I have worked with this manager for almost 3 1/2 yrs now. 

Gaining two new managers, one of which I knew and worked with, and who had worked under me wasn't the worst thing. 

http://www.ssqq.com/travel/images/new%20england%20catfight.jpg

Until I had the rug pulled out from under me again.

The new manager got promoted, so now I have two brand new managers of my depts, both who know nothing about the areas. Which couldn't have come at a worst time, retail wise.

My husband thinks that my stomach aches are just from me not eating at work. Most of the time I don't eat at all, or not much. I recently lost about 21 lbs, so I do have different eating habits now..... 

http://c0085612.cdn2.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/stuffing-face.gif

I no longer do this 24/7...

I literally spend all day at work now doing 50 things at once, and going at supersonic speed. I have a lot of people that depend on me for help, and a huge workload these days. 

Pretty much every day now I have this huge knot in the pit of my stomach, from worrying about how to get everything done.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6AONKXbhy1UM0P5tHpdHyDeTwczd7b2-ccTi6yndjyg8gGCkd4at_G3N0myraeKCh58buXxnSwgaCggyF5klnNx1GVDHz3j54gmdZdMVAWLIFzotj8NqBFsQAMwzdEUSHW6RQObjRqRPW/s320/boxes.jpg

I realize that I am overworked, really overworked. I could ask for help, but every time I do, it seems to backfire.

 It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but most times I have to go back through and either re-do, fix, or double check. 

So I would just rather work harder, and faster. Which I realize is sort of crazy. :D

http://gcnaturalfamilyhealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/InsaneCrazyWoman.jpg

But when my rate of pay is directly affected by my work completion percentages, of course I want to do it myself. 

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. It's one of the few things I do well, and can take genuine pride in.

http://www.steveseay.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Perfectionism.jpg

But anyways, all through the summer, when work was pretty dead, I would come home and work out. Yoga, Jillian Michaels workouts(I know, don't judge!), and walks with my pups and husband. 

Things are crazy at work, and I also am on a new work schedule, where basically I'm getting up in the middle of the night. When I get out of work I have to sleep, and try to fit in laundry and cleaning too. And see my husband for about 2 hrs a day, seeing as he works late and I work early.

http://oliveoilonly.org/images/broken_clock.jpg

So my workouts have fallen by the wayside. But I have been doing a lot more heavy lifting, more so than usual. My job does have a lot of heavy lifting involved, but a crazy amount in the holiday season. So I am getting a workout, just a different kind.

So it's possible that it could be stress, but I feel like that's kind of lame, to be honest. 

Who get's stomach aches from being stressed out? I feel like should be stronger than that. I am stronger than that.

I did get back to my regular workouts, but it just wasn't doing it for some reason. The usual feeling of calm and relaxation wasn't there anymore.

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001953743/4041572387_0_0_0_0_169_169_library_135271_large.jpeg

So I took up running again after four years. My knee problems forced me to stop, but they have been better lately. 

It does seem to be working, even though it's only been a couple of days. Even though I am the most awkward runner ever, and the thought of people seeing me run makes me hyperventilate.  

I think I just need something more strenuous to keep me calm?

I don't know. I'm sorry, but I have survived starvation, beatings, and emotional and mental abuse. Stressed-induced stomach aches? That's kind of LAME....
~ALICE