a little piece of my heart...

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Hey chicks! 


what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read.  I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.


I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles  that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.


Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time. 


I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.


It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a  secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.


I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it  my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.


If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one. 


Am I gay? 


I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD


I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart? 


Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...


I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress. 

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Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!


It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...


Emotional cheating.


I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.


Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!
~ALICE

Imagine Me and You...

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Hiya Chicks!


Have you ever watched a movie or read a book that touches you? In a way that just reaches in and strips everything away.


Something so personal, so private that you feel like you should be locked in a dark room. That way no one can see just how much you are affected. 


How confusing it is when something as simple as a movie can strip you bare.


Welcome to Imagine Me and You,ladies.


Watching this movie hurt. It hurt for me to see the pain that Rachel and her husband and Luce all went through.


None of them wanted to hurt the other. It really highlights how despite choosing a path, life just happens. There's nothing you can do about it either.

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In a way, it was like I watching my own life.
All the confusion, and not wanting to hurt the person you've committed to.


When someone loves you,and makes their entire life about loving and taking care of you, how do you destroy that?


I met my husband, and fell in love. We loved each other so much that we wanted to take the next step, get married. 


I don't know if it was getting married and finally feeling safe enough to explore myself? Or meeting a girl that just made all those feelings explode out from where I had hidden them?


All he wants is to love me and take care of me and be my partner in life and love forever. 

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How can you say no to that? How can you crush someone's whole world?


When someone gives you their everything, and all they want is to love you,and be loved in return, how can you not? 


I love him.


But I have a side to me that will never be completely fulfilled by a man. Lately I've even been wondering if I am even happy with a man..


There's this part of me that craves a woman's touch. I don't think that will ever go away. 


I do still enjoy sex with my husband though. If i'm being completely honest, not all the time. I have times when I can't stand it, and just want it to be over. But other times I can't get enough of him.


Some days it seems like all I have are questions, and no answers...
~ALICE

The Power of Touch

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Hi Chicks!

Do you crave touch?

I have come to the realization that I am someone who needs physical touch. 

A lot.

It's not that my husband withholds physical affection. At all. I'm not a super clingy person. I don't need to be touching him or glued to his side all the time.

I spend a lot of time apart from my husband. It could be worse. We both work, not much can be done about that.

We have opposite work schedules. We work at different times so we don't see each other a lot.

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I think that definitely contributes to some of our issues. We do tell each other we love each other all the time... 

I came to the realization that I am definitely more cranky and out of sorts if we don't really have much physical contact with each other. 


It does get hard when you're going to bed by yourself every night. It's not anything that can be helped or changed though.

It's not like we don't touch each other. We hug and kiss but that may not be enough...

Maybe it's because I had a bad childhood where touch was used against me.

I think now for me a touch is a reassurance, it calms me, centers me.

http://paulaspoweroftouch.com/images/power_of_touch_logo.jpg 

I think a lot of people underestimate just how powerful touch can be. 


It's how people realize that they are attracted to each other, how they comfort one another, how sex starts. 

With a touch.


A touch a lot of time says what someone may be afraid to say. A touch can show someone what you need, how you need something. There's a million and one things touch can say that communicates something. 


Maybe I just need more because it's hard for me to express myself emotionally...


~ALICE

Fake It Till You Make It...

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I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...


I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...


I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female. 


Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p


I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent. 


I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.


When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p

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I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..

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To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.


I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.


I am sexually attracted to my husband.


But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled. 

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How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men? 


I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him? 


It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.


It's weird I know...

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My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.

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I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history. 


I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much. 


Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.

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I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.


Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.


But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now? 


I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???


Other than me of course...
~ALICE

Therapy

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Hola Chicks!


Tonight I went back to therapy. A lot of shit has been going down and I finally decided to get back on that horse. :p


Life's gotten so complicated and I can't even begin to sort out the stuff about my sexuality with everything else going on.


My therapist seems to think that b/c I feel guilty about all the abuse I've had in my life, that that's what's keeping me in a relationship that may not be right for me. 

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He thinks that because I've never had anything good or normal, that I may be staying in my relationship b/c of that. Because I want to be a good, upstanding person. 


 To be someone who can actually maintain a healthy relationship. I honestly don't know if he's right about that. I know that I don't want to just give up on something that may have it's flaws. But could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me.


He also asked me if I wasn't with my husband, would I be dating a man or a woman? If we took him out of the picture completely, if I had never met him, would I be with a guy or a girl?  I said I know that without a doubt, I would be with a woman.


He thinks that means I'm gay. I don't think I am gay, and said so. But I start to wonder sometimes, is it just a knee-jerk reaction b/c I'm so terrified of hurting my husband? Or because I'm too scared to go there?

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The iffy part of that is that I didn't realize till after I was married that I liked women. If I hadn't gotten married would I ever have realized it? 



I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

I felt like I was able to be o.k. with exploring myself b/c I finally felt safe and secure. I was loved and I loved someone and I finally felt like I could be me, that it would be ok.


I wonder sometimes if I got married so fast because I maybe started to have an inkling about liking women. Did it terrify me that much that I did the most surefire thing to make it impossible to ever explore that anytime soon?

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I don't know. Or I feel like I do know but am too scared to go there right now.

We talked about my sex life ugg :p. I am more sexually attracted to women than men. What does that mean?! I am sexually attracted to my husband, but other than him, I'm not really attracted to men too much in general. The majority of my sexual attraction is to women.

Lots of questions, and confusion, that's for sure.....

~ALICE

Virgin Lesbian?...

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Hola Chicks!


So I was recently over at one of my favorite blogs, and she brought up the topic of Virgin Lesbians.


A virgin lesbian is a lesbian, or it seems, a bi chick that has never slept with a woman. Or am I wrong? What exactly do u call a bisexual woman who has never slept with a woman? Anything?


It's not like I wouldn't if I had the opportunity. Seriously. If I could find a hot butch or a hot tomboy, I would jump on that so fast your head would spin. 


Jump on that? Or whatever it is sex with a woman consists of. :p How would I know I would like it? Because there's just something in me, bone deep that knows. 


But I am afraid. I have seen so many women online who have said that once they sleep with a woman, they never go back to men. And I'm a little scared of that. 


But I need to know.


And what woman would take on a married, bisexal woman who's trying to figure things out? Idk.


Except, the whole husband thing. He says he's ok with me sleeping with a woman, but is it even fair for me to ask that of him? It def wouldn't be a threesome. ICK. But yeah. I don't even know if I would want to know how that would work. I'm a little afraid to ask. 


We have talked about it a little bit. And I feel like this whole thing, me having an experience with a woman, kinda should just be about me. Figuring things out. He just doesn't want to be left out of things. Is that wrong to  think?


Should I be trying to include him in some way? 

If it turns out he isn't ok with it, do I just drop it? I don't think though that I could ever truly be able to stop questioning what I know about myself. I feel like that's kind of the puzzle piece that I need to figure out.


I wish I could just let the whole thing go sometimes.


But I have this side of me, that I need to have an experience with a woman. If for nothing else than to answer all those nagging questions.


Yes, I entered into my marriage willingly and knowing what I was getting into. I went into it knowing I was marrying him, and only him.


But I didn't know that I liked women. At least on any level I was willing to accept.


So maybe I just need to drop the whole thing and let it go. Is it worth it to just pretend that I don't like what I like? To act like I'm not attracted to women? I know that it might make my husband happier in the long run. 


But on the other hand, If I'm going to just deny this other part of myself, I'm going to be  unhappy.


I could prolly be pretty happy, because I'm good at stuffing things down and pretending they don't matter. Clearly that is not healthy for me or my relationship. I do love my husband. A lot. I am very happy with him. Almost completely. Except for that one piece.


But not completely happy. And I always promised  myself that I would try to do whatever I could to make myself happy...


~ALICE

Its a hard knock life.....

Hi chickies!! Well, first let me welcome you to my blog! I'm brand spanking new at this so bear with me while I learn to navigate this crazy blogosphere.

 So I guess you are wondering what I could possibly have to blog about!! 




Well, long story short, shortly after getting married I discovered that I like women as well as men.  

Now, chickies, don't worry, it's a good thing. Im actually really happy that the last piece of the puzzle about myself fell into place.


On the other hand, it did bring up many interesting/confusing complicated situations.

So this blog is pretty much about my sexuality, and trying to navigate through this new phase of my life, while figuring out how it fits into my marriage. Oh yeah, did I mention Im married? To a guy. Ya know, big white dress, flowers, the whole shebang... 

Like I said, slightly complicated... It doesn't seem like it would be, but oh man, what a year. They say if u make it through the first year of marriage, you can make it through anything. 

I wouldn't wish the year I've had on my worst enemy.... but more on that later. Thanks for stopping by!!!   ~Alice

P.s. I'm going by the name Alice to protect certain people that I may be possibly writing about. And I've always had this connection to all things Alice in Wonderland, the whole falling down the rabbit hole thing I guess.. :p