War of My Worlds...

Barev Chicks!
Lately I've been Feeling like I'm split in two.


On the one hand, I have this side to me,  girly, cleaning the house, making dinner for my husband, being a great wife, and overall just happy, centered, kind of vanilla girl.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

Which I love. I do love that side of me. There's a part of me that craves normalcy, stability, a quiet happy life. A life that's calm, b/c I've never had that.


Then there's the other side to me. The tomboy who's tattooed, pierced, young and a little bit wild. I want to go out, party, have fun, be 23, be young, experience life, experience women! That side of me I love too b/c it's who I am also.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

I am the normal, stable, vanilla girl. But I am also the tattooed, pierced, wild girl I crave a lot but never got to be.



I think that's why I have so many piercings and my tattoo obsession continues with each one I get.


I feel like the sides are competing most of the time. A lot of the time, I do feel like I do an o.k. job of balancing them. Not great, but o.k. It's a learning as I go process.



But lately, it seems as if the sides are competing more and more. I feel less like I can integrate them, make them work for me. I never used to feel like I needed to choose to be more one than the other. I could be both, and it worked for me.


Lately it's not working so well. At all. I feel like I'm two people, and not in a good way.


I think it's because the husband is becoming resistant to me getting involved in LGBT events, which leads me to believe he's not as cool with the whole situation as he says he is.


He says if I'm going to start living that 'lifestyle' than what's the point of even being together. I don't think it's so much about living the 'lifestyle' for me as just having a group of women I can talk to, relate to. It's not to pick someone up.


Plus I think he's secretly afraid that I'll realize I'm a lesbian and leave him. Which I can't say will happen, but I can't say it won't. I just don't know.


 I wish there was a guide book for this whole thing. 

http://www.dearjohnilovejane.com/djilj%20new%20cover%20shadow.png

I've read Dear John, I love Jane, and was able to relate to a lot of the book in an almost scary way. I feel like I could have written a lot of it. 


What does that mean???
~ALICE

Soo Not Into Porn! (kind of)

http://tattoosdesigns.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/arm-tattoos1.jpg
Meowww Chickitas!!

So something I've been thinking about is porn. Ha. I am just a person who is not into porn at all. kind of. Ok, let me try to explain. Man on woman porn just doesn't do it for me. At all. Like really at all. It actually kind of turned me off. To be honest. Woman on woman does the same thing.


Is that weird? 


It seems like women are raised in society to think that if a woman has a problem with her significant other watching porn, then she is a prude, a bitch, and just plain damm uncool.

I have to admit, I used to hate porn and I would usually get into a huge fight with my husband whenever I caught him looking at it. 

The fact is that porn made me feel like he was thinking about that whenever we had sex, and not me. I was pretty insecure about myself and my body.


Then one day, I don't know what really happened honestly...


I just kind of got over it I guess. I think it was that one day I saw a porno online that was actually kind of sexy... :p


My main thing about not liking porn is that sooo much of it looks fake and, well, like porn. Seeing as it it fake, I don't really know what I am wanting when I watch it? I think for me it kind of bothers me that there isn't really any, connection, I guess? Between the man/woman, woman/woman.


Ok, stay with me through this bit of sappiness!


It used to be really hard for me to have sex with someone without having feelings for them or being in love with them. I know, commence the eye rolling.

Blame it on insecurity, whatever, but I always felt like I needed to have a connection with someone in order to have sex with them.


Now I don't really feel that way. Well, to clarify, I think it's b/c I'm more confidant in myself and my sexuality. I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with some random chick. If and when I do have a experience with a woman, it will be with my husbands blessing. That's a topic for another time though!


Anyways, I came across a man/woman porno one day a couple of months ago, and it was actually a real turn on. I actually always detested man/women porn. A lot. Like this much:

I realized i liked it b/c the people in it were acting like a couple, it seems like they actually gave a shit about each other and weren't just fucking. I think that's what it was, it wasn't that there was tenderness. It was that it wasn't cold and clinical, and soooo impersonal.


I've read girl on girl porn books, and that actually got me horny to the point of insanity... Maybe it's just that im more imaginative than visual? Even regular man on woman gets me off more when I read it as opposed to watching it...

I've been trying to find a girl on girl porno to watch that turns me on, but it hasn't happened. I'm really into tattooed girl on girl action, but i can't seem to find anything that isn't two girls who look like they're faking it, and in a badddd way. Or it's two normal looking chicks wearing goth clothes, but they couldn't look less like they belong in them.


They're like Abercombie looking type bitches.

Not hot. *SHUDDERS*


I don't need some sappy love scene type shit. I just want a good girl on girl porn that isn't super fake and clinical and cold looking...


Where can I find this?!

Not this, it makes me wanna rip my eyes out...

What's a girl to do?


Anyone have a good recommendation for me?


~ALICE