That Green eyed monster called Jealousy....

http://www.findlove-keeplove.com/images/green-eyed-monster.jpg

Morning Chickettes!
I'm a bit blue today. Or green, I'm not really sure which.


I recently talked to this girl I used to have a crush on, and she was taking the trouble to go on and on about her perfect new girlfriend. 


Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she has someone finally. Everyone deserves to be happy. But I think I am feeling a little of the green-eyed monster.


Am I feeling so twitchy about the whole thing b/c she was the catalyst for me realizing I like girls? So it makes the whole thing a bit more complicated anyways. 


Maybe it's b/c she was going on about how perfect she is, and how she's the hottest girl she's ever gotten, and how she has a perfect body. I think I got punched in my self esteem a bit, especially since I have body image issues.


I know that I by no means have a perfect body, even though my husband tells me I am the hottest girl he's ever seen. I always feel like he has to say that b/c he married to me. I realized that I am not even remotely ugly. But I feel average most days...


But thanks to my asshole second boyfriend ever who when I broke up with him, said he wanted a girlfriend who was beautiful, not average looking like me, and someone who was skinny. Ouch right? I know that I am not fat by any means, I do have curves, and am actually at a healthy weight for being 5'6 1/2. And I recently lost 18 lbs so I should have a ton of confidence right? If only...


I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous, but I feel like she was a bit. And I actually was a bit jealous. Now when I think rationally about it, I think I was more jealous of her getting to experience being with a girl. Which a lot of the time, I feel pretty hopeless  that it will happen for me.


There is nothing about her that I even remotely like now, to be honest. She's a manipulator and she tried to break up my marriage. Granted I'm partly to blame too b/c I didn't put a stop to it, b/c I figured I had it under control and wouldn't listen to the people around me.


She still maintains that she did nothing wrong, and plays the game of not understanding why I won't be in her life. She says she's over me, and doesn't care anymore, and I feel so relieved at that. But kind of pissed to, that she pulled my life apart on a whim, b/c she decided she wanted me, and now she's moved on. And I'm left trying to figure out how to fix my life.


I shouldn't even be talking to her, I realize that. Sometimes I just can't help myself though.


My hubby today knew I was feeling down, but I couldn't figure out why. I just have that weepy everything sucks feeling. I probably need to go back to my shrink I guess. I hate going though, I feel like therapy is for weak people who can't cope. Usually I just hold my feelings in until I explode and have a meltdown, healthy right?


Still, the bad days make me want to hop back in the closet, as everything seems hopeless and stuck.....


Le Sigh, Chickettes, Le Sigh.....


~ALICE

Whose that Doggie in the Window?

Hola Chickies!!!


Anyone ever feel disconnected from their life sometimes? I feel that way sometimes. A lot of the time I feel so cut off from normalcy. Is that normal?


Be warned, this post may not make much sense....

A lot of the time when I feel disconnected is when I see or read about a lesbian couple.


This is how i feel then....

I feel like that puppy in the pet store window, nose pressed against the glass, watching everything interesting go by. But I can't get to it. 


What in the hell does this mean?! Am I scared to admit that there's a part of me that wants to experience having a lesbian relationship. I don't know!

I do know that I love my husband more than it seems possible, so much that it hurts sometimes. I can't and don't want to ever imagine my life without him. 


So what's wrong with me?


Is it the whole people want what they can't have syndrome? The grass is always greener on the other side? I don't think that's it. I think I wish I had had this life experience that I now feel cut off from, so I would feel no uncertainty now.


Sometimes I wish we had waited to get married, if for nothing else than i would have more of a sense of myself. I would be more comfortable in my own skin, not be so dependent on him. I wish I had had more time to explore,to figure out me and my life. 


But most of all, I wish I had taken a breather from my sex life, and taken the time to truly explore what and who I liked before I entered into another relationship. I wish I hadn't been too scared to look @ all my options and choices. I shouldn't have let my religious upbringing have such an effect on me. 


I don't know that that wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know that it would have.




I should have been more fearless....