Fake It Till You Make It...

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I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...


I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...


I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female. 


Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p


I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent. 


I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.


When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/SHYNESS-popup.jpg

I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..

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To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.


I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.


I am sexually attracted to my husband.


But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled. 

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How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men? 


I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him? 


It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.


It's weird I know...

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My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.

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I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history. 


I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much. 


Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.

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I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.


Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.


But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now? 


I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???


Other than me of course...
~ALICE