A crooked arrow flys straight as long as it finds its own path...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Woman and The Wind

The Woman and The Wind

We dance and for a second she forgets and feels free.
I see the beauty in her, breathe
before a rooted thought of wrong doing enters
and she kneels down,
blindly searching for the chain to shackle herself
back into the cage.
For she loves the ones who created the walls
and she hasn’t the strength to break those down,
not when it means destroying all she knows.
I watch her sit there and hum so sweetly,
changing tears to a tune,
distracting herself with so many other things
which fills her time and her space,
but there’s no stopping the racing of a heart,
it’s a magic science, a crazy chemistry,
which bolts thunder claps from the brain to the belly,
that moves the body quicker than lightning.
And the mind blinded,
cannot keep up with the heart of the body.
Flash!
Her body moves with another of the same form,
like an ocean with the shore, over and over,
it soothes as it moves.
The light is followed with a BANG!
The cell door clatters open and slams shut with a bewildered wind,
as she remembers that all she feels is not allowed
and retreats out of a cherished love for those who fail to understand.
The wind does not strike her;
it is not angry, but gentle and warm.
It cradles her when she’s sad
and lifts her high when she’s feeling blue,
it does not control her with fear,
but with comfort and love.
It tickles her and makes her smile,
all the time misunderstanding the black shape,
which moves on the floor.
The wind wishes to blow it away,
using bigger and bigger puffs,
and afterwards is left exhausted.
The black mark is unfathomable to the wind.
”It’s still there, that dirty black mark
which follows you around.
Why can’t you leave her be?” It howls.
And she cries out with a muted voice,
which echoes the temples of distant lands.
“It is a part of me!”
The wind howls again, anguished and sad,
blowing the words spoken away,
unable to hear them through distortions of pain.
It picks itself up for another gust and another,
“Why won’t it leave? The place will look so much cleaner
without that black mark which keeps following you around.”
It blows unrelenting,
like a house proud mother
wiping at a stubborn wooden tabletop stain,
unknowing that it is a knot, a natural pattern of the wood.
“Please, let it be. It is a part of me.”
whispers the wood and the woman.
The wind slowly stops dancing and becomes heavy,
which sinks her radiant smile and twinkling star eyes
to black holes.
I see the blindness of the wind, blowing at the black mark,
with more gust and enthusiasm,
seeing improvement and progress,
as the mark moves away, by the power the wind possesses,
or so it thinks.
Ony the wind does not realize,
that it is her beloved that blows into a ball,
over and over, tied in knots, until she cannot breathe.
The wind does not see the position she is in.
It does not see the vases knocked over
and smashed to smithereens,
like salt bubbles that explode from her eyes
when she loses control and snivel sniff cries,
“I don’t want to be so sensitive to this,
but it scares me so much to be cold
and unaffected by it all.
When I think of homophobia,
I think of bullies spitting comments in a crowd
or on a street,
of hate crimes and terrible things like these.
I never in my wildest dreams
thought it could be like this.”
Flowers lay unnoticed on the broken glass ground,
trodden on by all those others who don’t look down.
(and jeez, there are many, too many for there to be more)
Hold up ~
For all the guns in the world,
that ends a life with less than a thought,
could we not shoot each other a smile from time to time
and try,
just try to get along, it is after all only love.
The rest doesn’t really matter,
it is only love that connects us all,
that gets us through~
Thank you, now back to the poem…
As the wind blows unstoppable at her shadow,
wishing for it to not be there,
she stands up strong and bold
through the blinding, deafening gale.
She does not move an inch by the gust,
as her hair, wild like flames lick up to heaven, around her.
The heart does not choose who it races, falls or breaks for,
nor does the arms of love choose who it chases, catches or crushes.
When eyes connect, they speak languages unknown,
never spoken before
from the beginning of time to now,
so much is said and expressed without a word uttered,
and it unfolds in another reality in the flash of a second.
The feeling ignited, may blaze, or it may smoulder,
but it can never be forgotten.
She stands through the gale, lifts her head high
and says, “My shadow exists because I have found light,
for it to disappear I shall live in darkness,
and like the bird set free from its cage,
it cannot return, once it knows what it has learnt.”
The thing which she needs now more than ever,
is not shelter from the wind,
but for the wind to blow down the walls
it has created over time,
and hold her in acceptance,
for no one knows more than the wind,
how wonderful and important it is
to be free from all these things,
to feel free to dance peacefully.
Sent in by: Anonymous
Age: 29
Location: San Francisco

 Found this online, so beautiful......
~Alice


Friday, December 9, 2011

Rage

http://www.freebeautyconsultant.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Aromatherapy-and-Anger.jpg
Evening Chicks!


I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to even speak coherently, let along write an entire blog.


I'm having a bit of a problem with rage lately. And not just the normal, supremely angry kind. The red haze kind.


You see, I met my half sister on Saturday. It was amazing actually. After finding out about her two years ago, I've wondered and wondered. She's great, younger than me by a couple of years. It's a bit strange to suddenly have a younger sister after 20+ years.


But Yay! Family!


But the things I found out about my mother have had me in this horrible state of mind. It truly amazes me how one person can literally destroy so many people's lives.


My mother kept me and my sisters from my father and his family because she decided that if she couldn't have him, he couldn't have us. That makes me angry. 


And upset. And angry.


She abused us for most of our lives, and I lived in fear for my life, and that of my sisters. 


I just found out that my father fought for many, many years to get custody of my sisters and I. Again, more anger. 


But I know that under the anger, is a hurt so big and deep that it will swallow me whole if I'm not careful.


The thing is though, the anger fades and the hurt settles in. It was easier to just say my whole life 'fuck him, he didn't want me, his loss'. It still hurt, a lot, but it was bearable and livable as I got older. 


But to find out that he spent so many years trying to get custody of us, and my mother blocked him at every turn. My dad even took my mother to court to get joint custody of us, and she blocked him again. 


I had a family member who was in law enforcement, so that person helped my mother keep him away from us.


The worst part is that my mother lied in court and said my father was abusing us. It's not true, I know that for a fact. 


Actually, I have to almost admire my mother. Her evil brilliance is scary. She picked the most horrific thing that a father could do that would be the most surefire way to keep him away from us and out of our lives.


I know that most people ask why she would ever do that to her children, and the man she was married to. Because she's crazy. Not kooky crazy, sick, evil crazy.


She really is the most convincing actress I've ever come across. If I hadn't had my sisters live through it with me, I might believe her. That I'm just a bad, out of control kid who just wants to hurt her. 


What kind of a mother makes up something so horrific and just plain cruel? A monster, that's who. Most people wouldn't believe it, my own family doesn't even believe us about the abuse we lived through.


But why would I make up the fact that my sisters and I were beaten, starved and tortured emotionally by her for years?


What do I have to gain from that?


Nothing. In fact, insisting on the truth has cost me my family. For the past five years I've been shunned, and hurt emotionally by my family. Because they are so taken in by my mother's charade. 


It's so convincing too, that I almost don't blame them. Almost. But there is never any excuse to leave a child in an abusive situation. EVER.


My father gave up trying to get us because he thought that we wouldn't want him in our lives after all the horrible things my mother said about him.


He died thinking his daughter's hated him. 


That's what hurts the most. I never got a chance to get to know him, or even meet him. Because of her. Because she was so angry she couldn't have him that she wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.


And she did. She also caused an argument between my father and his brother so that they never spoke again. See my family holds grudges, and my dad never spoke to his brother again. My uncle didn't even know my dad was sick or that he died. 


I can't believe that one woman could single- handedly hurt so many people's lives. 


It just, it hurts so bad. More than I ever thought possible. Knowing that he wanted us, it tears that hole in my heart wide open. 


It had finally closed up after years of hurting. Not it's wide open, and ten times worse than before. I don't know how to just let it go, move on. 


It hurts so much. No one should have to feel this kind of pain...


~ALICE

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Family Ties

http://uncommonpromise.com/UserFiles/Image/r1-5x7-Family-Ties.jpg


Hi Chicks! It's definitely been a while, huh?


Life has been crazy, that's for sure. Work is insane, but it's retail at Christmas. No surprise there.


After the whole baby scare, I needed a bit of a break, some time to come back from that.


But once again, things are ever changing. 


My half sister wants to meet me and my other sister and the members of our dad's family.


I am excited, but also very nervous. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really describe....
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs22/i/2009/253/9/1/Butterflies_in_the_stomach_by_clock_box.jpg
I am glad that she wants to meet everyone. It will be good for her. She never knew my dad's side of the family, our dad always kept her away from them.


I guess he had his reasons for that, not that I'll ever know seeing as he passed away 5 years ago.


One of the things that haunts me is that I don't even know where my own father is buried. Neither does his brother. How awful must that be to not know were your sibling is buried? Or where your father is buried? 


I've heard so many stories that it's hard to try and figure out the truth of what really happened. I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it kind of does.


To me.


How does one even bring that up when you are meeting your little sister for the first time? 'Hi, how are you, by the way, where's our dad buried?'


Awkward.


We've talked a few times, it never really seems like a good time to bring it up. The poor kid is slightly traumatized by the whole thing.


My dad had cancer and he wanted to die at home. Apparently he was paralyzed and couldn't move or do antything. I can't even deal with hearing about it.


I feel so badly that she had to go through all that. 


But at the same time I am still a little bit resentful that she got to have our dad in her life. I never even met my father, he chose to not stick around for reasons I may never know.


I know that that's not fair to her. I genuinely don't want to feel this way about my little sister. I'm supposed to be there for her, protect her. I don't want to feel this way.
http://th00.deviantart.net/fs27/PRE/i/2008/089/0/7/____Torn_feelings_____by_Kin_sama.jpg
But I can't help it. My shrink says that it's normal, but I don't want to feel this way. Family is important to me. Especially after the way mine has treated me.


I really want nothing more than to have a sister relationship with her. She really wants to get to know me and my other 2 sisters. Have us in her life.
http://images.asadart.com/sources/org/childreninc/images/products/gss075.jpg
I feel like it's up to me to some extent b/c one of my sisters lives in another state. The other one doesn't really want anything to do with my dad's family.


Which I can understand, we went our whole life without our dad's family. It's her decision, and I respect that.


It's just hard to think what my life could have been like with my father in it...


Pointless, but hard.