If Only...

My thoughts Exactly....

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

Hey Chicks! 
Here's your hot girl fix of the day! 

Michelle Tea! 

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljml5za4NW1qbra39o1_400.jpg

She is the author of transforming community and a ton of other great stuff! Yum!

~ALICE

How to Save a Life

Hi Chicks!

I had the scare of my life the other day. My husband almost died. Literally. He has a genetic bleeding disorder and it almost killed him. 

There's nothing scarier than seeing your husband vomit up a sink full of blood then collapse in a seizure. I rushed him to the ER. When we got there he was going into shock. 

It was the worst day of my entire life. Sitting in the ER not knowing if he was going to live or die, not knowing if he was going to make it through the night. Or even the next hour.

I had a realization. 
I can't live without this man. I love him so much. 

For now that voice in my head that says I can't make this work has shut the hell up. I think she's been shocked into silence for a while. 

Good.

The urges I've had for another woman are temporarily gone. Sort of. They are still there, just quiet and subdued. 

I've always wondered if something like this happened, would the urges go away? I never knew if I really wanted to know the answer or not.

Things have been crazy. I now have a whole new set of night terrors. I used to be able to sleep through anything, now I'm lucky if I make it through three whole hours without waking up to check on him.

It's definitely made me rethink everything.

The thing that kills me is that the whole thing was completely preventable. If his drinking had not been so out of control, his blood wouldn't have been so thin that a bleed almost killed him. 

I think I'm still a little numb. Or in shock. I'm not sure.

I've always had this wall up that's kept me from completely loving him. Which is insane. It doesn't seem possible to do. I think it's been fear holding me back, and realizing he could have died just broke down the wall.

Which in some ways is worse. There's nothing to protect me now, no invisible barrier to hide behind. I just have this constant fear of being hurt now. Fear and terror that now I know the possibility of how it feels to lose him. 

I've always been able to keep some distance to protect myself. Now that I'm aware of the wall, whenever I feel hurt, I can feel it going back up. The first few days after I got him home were amazing. 

Amazing b/c I could really feel how much I truly love him. But scary too. Now I can feel that wall all the time now. I don't know how to make it go down. I want to be able to fully love him with no reservations, no fear. 

We both deserve that.

It's so hard to feel this wall up, feel there's this distance now, and not know how to fix it.

I don't know what to do.
~ALICE

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Hiya Chicks!

I need a break from M. To be honest, it hurt to think about her. I'm still not over the whole mess. 

Anyways, here's a fun little story. 

 'Loose lips sink ships.'? Sound familiar? Yeah. 

The last few months I've been dieting and exercising pretty hard. I tell people who comment that I've gotten skinnier that I'm just trying to be healthier. 

That's partly true.

 I've  been trying to sweat out that little voice in the back of my head. 

The one that pops up at the worst moments,and whispers 'You're gay, stop being a little bitch and get on with ruining his life already'. It's not working.

As my body shrinks more and more, the voice gets louder. The voice is a bitch. She knows my worst insecurities. She always screams them at me. Loudly. 

The husband and I went to a local food tasting event in our city. I've always been a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Never done it much so I have no tolerance. Apparently the husband thought it would be a good idea for me to chug a mikes hard as we were leaving. *FAIL* 

As I staggered my way back to the car, that was wayyy far away, somehow the topic of girls came up. I think I suggested we go to the strip club? Somehow or another, it got shut down and I got sad. Really sad, about to cry sad.

I guess he realized I looked sad and wanted to know what was going on. My brain was screaming, 'IM GAY!' on repeat. Alcohol talking? Maybe, maybe not. 

I slurred out that I'm really not straight and I didn't know how the whole thing was gonna work out. 

Yes I did. I know. 

To be fair, him pressuring me to tell him didn't help the situation. Whenever I don't want to talk he freaks. As always it came back around to him thinking I'm going to leave him in a few years. No matter how much I reassure him I'm not going anywhere, it always comes up when we fight.

He thinks I'm going to leave him b/c I'm gay. Does he know something I don't? Deep down, is he admitting to himself something that I'm not ready to yet?

Somehow, I'm not sure how,it was decided that my introduction to girls would be via a lap dance  at a strip club.

Ok. *facepalm* Now while I'm not one to turn down a hot girl grinding on me, a. What if there's no hot girl strippers?!? b. um, yeah I can't get past a.

I like to look at femme girls, I wouldn't say no to one grinding on me. But what are the chances of there being a hot tattooed, femm-y stripper? I didn't really want my first girl on girl experience to be a lap dance either.

On the other side of the spectrum, while I like to look at femmes, what really turns me on is butches/tomboys. That's what gets me going. The husband only wants to see me have any type of interaction with a femme. Probably he thinks a butch/tomboy will steal me away. 

I go weak in the knees for Butches in a very obvious way I can't hide. Butches turn me on in a way that nothing else ever has. He doesn't want me doing anything with a butch b/c it feels like I'm just replacing him. I think.

 A lap dance seems so cold and clinical. I guess Im looking for whenever something happens to be more personal. Not like I'm paying them to be interested...

The Saga of M

Hi Chicks!
Thought I share the Saga of M (my lady catalyst), and how I told my husband I liked women.  Just to warn you, this will prolly be a two-parter...

My Husband's company got bought out, and because of that, he was pretty depressed and drinking heavily. He's worked 6 days a week, 60+ hrs since he was 15/16 years old. So for the past 15+ years, he has worked pretty much every day. Needless to say, to suddenly be unemployed was pretty unsettling.


At that time, I realized he had a drinking problem. He had always drank a lot ever since I knew him, but it always seemed to be under control. 


I know, I know, don't say it.. 


So I started going to therapy. I didn't know how to help him, or how to deal with his drinking. I would come home from work to find him drunk. This was a daily occurrence and didn't help our marriage any. I'm not a big drinker, so I was one unhappy wife.


 This girl at work had approached me one day, introduced herself and we got to talking about music and books. Apparently she had seen me around and thought I was cute. She had found out I was married, and thought that was ridiculous. I started to feel some attraction to her as I got to know her.  


Ahh, my lady catalyst M. If only I knew the shitstorm that was about to land.... 

Suddenly everything in my life started to make a scary sort of sense, and it was making me flip out. I always had this weird reaction to women. I never seemed to have a normal indifference? if you will, that most girls have towards each other.


Needless to say, a depressed alcoholic husband and me with a very big secret led things to spin out of control. My husband and I drifted father apart/started hating each other. While M and I got closer in the meantime. 


It didn't help that M encouraged my secret. She knew just the right nerve to pick at. She kept telling me that my husband would divorce me if he knew that I liked women. That he wouldn't understand, would stop loving me. She was brilliant. She knew just what insecurities to play on. I was in such a screwed up, confused state of mind, that I had no idea which was way up, and which was down. I had no one else in my life to talk to about this.


I was alone. And terrified. 


Meanwhile M had decided that I shouldn't be married anymore. She was in love with me. She made it her mission to break up my marriage. She was the perfect consoling, comforting friend. All the while worming her way deeper and deeper into my heart without me really realizing it.


Yes I said it. Into my heart. Somewhere along the line, I thought I had started to fall for her. She was my lady catalyst. The first girl that made me have strong enough feelings to recognize that I liked women. And that it was ok. 


I didn't know how the whole thing was going to end, but I finally felt like myself for the first time in... Ever.


She kept telling me that she knew I was in love with her too, I just wasn't ready to admit it. She got me so twisted up, I couldn't think straight. Ha. :D Or coherently. 


For the first time in my life I was attracted to someone who a. wasn't my husband, and b. was a woman. Attracted in a way that I had never before experienced. It was like my body woke up, and went, HEY! this is what we've always wanted!


Men seemed repulsive to me at that point. I had always been secretly not so much into sex with men. I barely found them attractive, and I had just kind of put up with sex. 


 My sexual experience up until this point had been 3 men.  2 really if you don't count your first time, b/c really who does? That crap about it being magical? Bullshit. I hadn't been with anyone who really rocked my world. Until my husband. I figured that maybe I just didn't really like sex.


When I look back now, I can't believe how stupid I was. All I saw was this lonely, depressed girl who needed a friend. I had been that girl. I had been in that place before, and I wanted to save her. I needed a friend too right then. My husband saw right through her somehow. From the start he knew that she was trying to take me away from him. 


I didn't. Or I thought I had the situation under control. I'm still not sure. She was always talking about how she wanted to die, and I got sucked in. I wanted to save her from that place. I fought my way out of it back in high school, and I wanted to help her do the same. She saw that and used it to manipulate me.


 I was an idiot. You would think after living with a batshit crazy, manipulative mother all my life, I would recognize the signs of a psycho. She even told me she could manipulate anyone! I figured after living through it though, I would be able to see the signs. 


I guess I never really thought that she would be selfish enough to try to wreck my life. Just so she could get her way. I actually thought she loved me. I guess in her mind,she thought she did? Or maybe I was just a game to her. Maybe I'm just naive. Or inexperienced. I don't know.


Sometimes I think what happened to my life? How did I end up here? How did I go from being happily married and trying to have a family, to here? Confused, frustrated and longing for something that seems like an impossibility at times.


I never thought things would get as bad as they did. I guess I trusted the wrong person. I never thought I'd wake up in someone's bed one morning, having no idea what happened after blacking out, wearing clothes that weren't mine...


To Be Cont'd...

a little piece of my heart...

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Hey chicks! 


what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read.  I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.


I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles  that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.


Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time. 


I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.


It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a  secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.


I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it  my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.


If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one. 


Am I gay? 


I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD


I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart? 


Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...


I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress. 

http://ledgerlink.monster.com/nfs/ledgerlink/attachment_images/0001/0790/iStock_000007124897Small.jpg-1_crop380w.jpg?1261186294

Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!


It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...


Emotional cheating.


I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.


Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!
~ALICE

Open Relationship vs.Cheating?

Hiya Chicks!
I know, it's been awhile. I missed you! Life's been crazy!


Effing Dykes posted a great article a few weeks ago about open relationships. Check it out here! 


It's funny because the husband and I have started to talk about having an open relationship a little bit. Nothing really concrete yet. Just considering the possibility.


He hasn't really come right out and said that he's open to doing this. We've danced vaguely around the issue a bit.


I think I'm afraid he'll say no. We  both have to be willing to start this. If one person isn't 100% with the situation, then the whole thing will just explode in our faces. If he's not ok with it, that's kinda that. 


Which sucks.

Is that skeevey? I know's it's most guys fantasy to see two girls get it on. But I don't know how ok I am with being watched. 


Actually I am not ok with someone watching me have sex. Even my husband. Sex is a very personal thing for me.


I guess I'm a little wary because it seems like open relationships never work. Someone always ends up getting hurt in the long run.


Unless both people are willing to take the time and consideration needed to find a way that works for them. It doesn't sound like it's just an easy, go sleep with anyone you want way. Even though most people think that.

I think having an open relationship is only possible if you have a completely trusting, healthy relationship.If the two people involved can trust each other person 100%.


Do we trust each other completely? I'm not sure. We've hurt and been hurt by each other, and have issues still. This could end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. I don't want that. 


The jealousy factor alone probably kills a lot of relationships. The fact is, there will probably be jealously on both parts as both people adjust to this new element.



So why bother at all you ask? Because I love my husband and want to keep my marriage together. I recognize the fact that I have a side to me that needs sexual contact with a girl as much as if not more than, a man.

I don't want to just hold it all in and stuff it down till I explode and end up cheating. I don't want to cheat. At all. But I don't want to suppress this side of me either, until I go crazy. That's not good for my marriage either.


Then you get into the whole cheating factor. Is it cheating if both parties know about it, and are ok with it? Even though you're married?

On the other hand, who says I can't have an open marriage? Society? Fuck that! Why do I need to have my marriage defined by anyone else? 


I don't.


As for being a lesbian, that's a whole other can of worms. Yes, I am afraid that finally sleeping with a woman could make me realize I'm gay.


Maybe that's why I'm trying to have a go at the whole open relationship thing. So I can figure some things out before more time passes.

Or because I just want to finally know and this is my way of pushing myself towards that...
~ALICE

Imagine Me and You...

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Hiya Chicks!


Have you ever watched a movie or read a book that touches you? In a way that just reaches in and strips everything away.


Something so personal, so private that you feel like you should be locked in a dark room. That way no one can see just how much you are affected. 


How confusing it is when something as simple as a movie can strip you bare.


Welcome to Imagine Me and You,ladies.


Watching this movie hurt. It hurt for me to see the pain that Rachel and her husband and Luce all went through.


None of them wanted to hurt the other. It really highlights how despite choosing a path, life just happens. There's nothing you can do about it either.

http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3181/2720702285_026ca43aa2_z.jpg

In a way, it was like I watching my own life.
All the confusion, and not wanting to hurt the person you've committed to.


When someone loves you,and makes their entire life about loving and taking care of you, how do you destroy that?


I met my husband, and fell in love. We loved each other so much that we wanted to take the next step, get married. 


I don't know if it was getting married and finally feeling safe enough to explore myself? Or meeting a girl that just made all those feelings explode out from where I had hidden them?


All he wants is to love me and take care of me and be my partner in life and love forever. 

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How can you say no to that? How can you crush someone's whole world?


When someone gives you their everything, and all they want is to love you,and be loved in return, how can you not? 


I love him.


But I have a side to me that will never be completely fulfilled by a man. Lately I've even been wondering if I am even happy with a man..


There's this part of me that craves a woman's touch. I don't think that will ever go away. 


I do still enjoy sex with my husband though. If i'm being completely honest, not all the time. I have times when I can't stand it, and just want it to be over. But other times I can't get enough of him.


Some days it seems like all I have are questions, and no answers...
~ALICE

Socialpunk Book Review

Hi Chicks!
I was recently asked to join the blog tour for Socialpunk by Monica Leonelle.


Monica Leonelle is a well-known digital media strategist and the author of three novels. She blogs at Prose on Fire and shares her writing and social media knowledge with other bloggers and authors through her Free Writer Toolkit.


The Socialpunk Trilogy includes Socialpunk (April 2012), Socialmob (July 2012), and Socialhood (October 2012).


Socialpunk Description:

Ima would give anything to escape The Dome 
and learn what's beyond its barriers, but the 
Chicago government has kept all its citizens 
on lock down ever since the Scorched Years 
left most of the world a desert wasteland.
When a mysterious group of hooded figures enters the city unexpectedly, Ima uncovers a plot to destroy The Dome and is given the choice between escaping to a new, dangerous city or staying behind and fighting a battle she can never win.


I was seriously blown away by this book. It was a short read at 275 pages. One of the things I really liked was that Monica tackled the subject of humans artificially  creating life. It is a pretty controversial subject, but it's done very well. 


Socialpunk is definitely good for anyone who likes books about the future.I think the fact that the author sets the book in that time period definitely helps. It puts the book in a setting that enhances the story, instead of detracting from it. 


I'm someone who doesn't read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy books. They just don't appeal to me. I loved Socialpunk though. It was easy to relate to the character's struggles, and sympathize with Ima's struggle to adjust and adapt to a new world. To also choose between what she loves, and what is right.


I liked that Ima came into her own, and became the strong person I was rooting for  her to be.  The Story reminded me of the terminator series a little bit, but mostly  in a way better, more female empowered way that was totally badass.


All in all, Socialpunk was amazing, and I can't wait for the next two books! A great book to read and recommend! ~ALICE
Contest!


links to buy the book!- Amazon-http://monicaleonelle.com/SocialpunkA




Barnes&noble-http://monicaleonelle.com/Social

punkB

The Power of Touch

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Hi Chicks!

Do you crave touch?

I have come to the realization that I am someone who needs physical touch. 

A lot.

It's not that my husband withholds physical affection. At all. I'm not a super clingy person. I don't need to be touching him or glued to his side all the time.

I spend a lot of time apart from my husband. It could be worse. We both work, not much can be done about that.

We have opposite work schedules. We work at different times so we don't see each other a lot.

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs18/f/2007/180/c/7/Opposites_by_Bmur.jpg 

I think that definitely contributes to some of our issues. We do tell each other we love each other all the time... 

I came to the realization that I am definitely more cranky and out of sorts if we don't really have much physical contact with each other. 


It does get hard when you're going to bed by yourself every night. It's not anything that can be helped or changed though.

It's not like we don't touch each other. We hug and kiss but that may not be enough...

Maybe it's because I had a bad childhood where touch was used against me.

I think now for me a touch is a reassurance, it calms me, centers me.

http://paulaspoweroftouch.com/images/power_of_touch_logo.jpg 

I think a lot of people underestimate just how powerful touch can be. 


It's how people realize that they are attracted to each other, how they comfort one another, how sex starts. 

With a touch.


A touch a lot of time says what someone may be afraid to say. A touch can show someone what you need, how you need something. There's a million and one things touch can say that communicates something. 


Maybe I just need more because it's hard for me to express myself emotionally...


~ALICE