I had the scare of my life the other day. My husband almost died. Literally. He has a genetic bleeding disorder and it almost killed him.
There's nothing scarier than seeing your husband vomit up a sink full of blood then collapse in a seizure. I rushed him to the ER. When we got there he was going into shock.
It was the worst day of my entire life. Sitting in the ER not knowing if he was going to live or die, not knowing if he was going to make it through the night. Or even the next hour.
I had a realization.
I can't live without this man. I love him so much.
For now that voice in my head that says I can't make this work has shut the hell up. I think she's been shocked into silence for a while.
Good.
The urges I've had for another woman are temporarily gone. Sort of. They are still there, just quiet and subdued.
I've always wondered if something like this happened, would the urges go away? I never knew if I really wanted to know the answer or not.
Things have been crazy. I now have a whole new set of night terrors. I used to be able to sleep through anything, now I'm lucky if I make it through three whole hours without waking up to check on him.
It's definitely made me rethink everything.
The thing that kills me is that the whole thing was completely preventable. If his drinking had not been so out of control, his blood wouldn't have been so thin that a bleed almost killed him.
I think I'm still a little numb. Or in shock. I'm not sure.
I've always had this wall up that's kept me from completely loving him. Which is insane. It doesn't seem possible to do. I think it's been fear holding me back, and realizing he could have died just broke down the wall.
Which in some ways is worse. There's nothing to protect me now, no invisible barrier to hide behind. I just have this constant fear of being hurt now. Fear and terror that now I know the possibility of how it feels to lose him.
I've always been able to keep some distance to protect myself. Now that I'm aware of the wall, whenever I feel hurt, I can feel it going back up. The first few days after I got him home were amazing.
Amazing b/c I could really feel how much I truly love him. But scary too. Now I can feel that wall all the time now. I don't know how to make it go down. I want to be able to fully love him with no reservations, no fear.
We both deserve that.
It's so hard to feel this wall up, feel there's this distance now, and not know how to fix it.
I don't know what to do.
~ALICE
